Swinging, Sexuality, and Religion

At one time, my wife was really big on going to church each week and having a close relationship with God.   Lately she's been worrying a lot about our daughters, and also about me since I had a sibling pass away recently.    So two weekends ago she decided to start going back to church.   When she went back the first time, she said it helped a lot and she didn't experience the same anxiety anymore.

I was raised going to church also, but  I always questioned things about modern day Christianity even as a youngster.    I remember writing a youth pastor in my church about interracial relationships, and if God thinks they are okay.    His answer was that even though the Bible doesn't specifically say anything about interracial relationships, we shouldn't do things that would negatively draw attention to ourselves as a Christian.  Even as a youngster I had a big problem with this answer because it just didn't seem right.   I was also very curious about sex and nudity as a youngster, and at times I would feel guilty about that.

When my wife and I were swingers, sometimes I would feel like I wasn't allowed to pray for things because we were being sinful.   Of course we had other people give their feedback and say that no man should ever want to see his woman with another man, or would say we were committing adultery.    Funny thing is, some of those same people were having premarital sex and/or living together, yet they didn't see anything wrong with what THEY were doing.   I guess that's always been one of my issues about organized religion, is that people seem to pick and choose what parts of the Bible suit them at the time.  Then of course we have Lutherans, Pentecostals, Methodists, Seventh Day Adventists, Catholics, Greek Orthodox, etc....all these different sects because people have taken one book and put their own interpretation to it.    Then what about people who were on the earth before Christ?   Are all those people who believed in God before Christ was on earth going to hell because they weren't "Christians"?  Those guys in the Old Testament had multiple wives.   Also, why should we feel wrong for questioning some of the things in the Bible, God gave us a brain right?    Anyway....I digress.

So I asked my wife if she felt like we were wrong in the eyes of God for swinging, and she said yes.    I posted the question last week on a few Google communities asking how to people reconcile swinging with their religion.   One person had quite the interesting response.   He pointed out how people's religious interpretation of the Bible seem to change over time, and I tend to agree with that.   People used to believe that divorce was a sin, now the divorce rate is over 50% in the US.   People also used to shun those having premarital sex, now people could care less.    Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden and only covered up because they were ashamed, so why is nudity such a big deal?   My best friend growing up was a Muslim.   His family always made me feel welcomed at their house, and they were genuinely good people.  Am I supposed to believe they are condemned to hell just because they read a different book (Quran)  than I did growing up?

I guess I'm a little conflicted.   On the one hand, I don't really see why anything is wrong with nudity or sex between consenting adults as long you're not cheating on your spouse or partner.   On the other hand, I do want a closer relationship with God but worry that my views on things may not make this possible.   I do fully support my wife in wanting to go back to church, just as long as she doesn't become a holy rolling, hell fire and brimstone bible-thumper.

For those of you in polyamorous or swinging relationships, what is your take on the role of religion with regards to modern day sexuality?  For those of you who are religious, how do you reconcile your views with your religion?  Do you think 100 years from now, people won't think swinging or polyamory is that out of the norm?    Those who are not religious can also feel free to chime in as well.







  

12 Years A Slave

I saw this movie over the weekend.   The movie was really tough to watch during certain scenes, but I would wholeheartedly recommend that everyone sees the movie, as it truly illustrates the cruelty and horror of slavery.

After I left the movie, the one thought that stayed with me during the movie was just how much some of my ancestors truly had to endure and overcome.  It's kind of coincidental that I'd also been researching my own family history on ancestry.com, and was able to go back as far as 1820.  It's a strange thing to be able to look up a relative who more than likely was born into slavery.

I was left with a sense that I owe it to my deceased relatives and other slaves to actually make something of myself.  If a slave can be motivated enough to risk his life by teaching himself how to read, there's seriously NO excuse for why I haven't finished my college degree or why I'm stuck in a job I can't stand.   People have been jailed, had water hoses and dogs turned on them, and/or have died for me to have the right to vote, yet I haven't voted since the last presidential election.

It's amazing how we take so many things for granted because we didn't have to do anything to earn it.  I would often hear my dad and uncles talk about how they would make sure they walked in groups to avoid being singled out and attacked, yet I'm able to walk around by myself without a care in the world.  I think of Emmit Till who was beaten and shot to death for whistling at a white woman, and yet my wife and I can walk around holding hands as an interracial couple without much thought.

I think it's time I stop taking things for granted and truly appreciate all of the opportunities that have been afforded to me through the struggle of others.  

The Power of Negativity

So I was reading a book the other day and the author made a pretty interesting point about negativity.    He states that if you have negativity and resentment in your life, then you can't really expect to have a positive life.  He also said you need to forgive people who have wronged you in the past.    Forgiving doesn't mean you forget what they did, but it simply means you have learned from it and you are truly ready to move on.

If you're still angry and bitter over what someone has done to you, then not only has that person affected your past, you're still allowing them to affect your present, and that person probably isn't thinking twice about you.   You're still angry and bitter, and that person has moved on with their life.

This hit home for me because one of the guys my wife cheated on me with is still friends with a mutual friend of ours.    Every time I see his grinning face on Facebook, I want to grab a pipe and knock all his teeth down his throat.  But really, he doesn't give a shit about any chaos he may have caused...he's just going on with his life.   Most people don't mean to consciously hurt you on purpose, they are thinking only of their wants at the time, and aren't thinking of the ramifications of their actions.   If there's someone out there who made a conscious and deliberate effort to hurt you, they aren't worth your thoughts anyway.

I also had to do some deep thinking about my wife.  I said I've forgiven her, but did I really?    There were still moments where I felt like I was "entitled" to something because of her cheating, and there were still times where I would wonder why other people could control themselves but she couldn't?  There were times where I would go through her cellphone/email and lash out at anything I thought to be suspicious.     I realized that all I was doing was reliving the pain and anger all over again, and for what?   There is NOTHING positive that can come from constantly holding on to negativity.    

The first thing I did was to look my wife in the eye and tell her that I truly forgive her.   The second thing I did was to write the guy my wife cheated on me with and tell him that I forgive him.    Now I don't want to be his friend, and I really don't want anything to do with him because he still refuses to admit what happened.   Writing him was not for his benefit, but it was for mine.   It was not an easy thing to do, and I was admittedly gritting my teeth the whole time.    I have to admit though I felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders.   I didn't realize just how much negativity I was holding on to and it felt good to let it go.


   

Told You So

Remember that couple that we stopped being friends with because I tried to tell the husband what his wife was up to?   Looks like the wife has been going around running her mouth to our former swingers' circle about how we're all about drama, and they don't associate with us anymore because they "don't do drama".   You would think people that don't like drama wouldn't be going around trying to make us look bad to all of our friends like we're back in high school.   Some people are just childish like that, and like to be the center of attention.

So I was texting the other day with this single guy swinger that I'm still cool with.  He was telling me how his birthday was coming up in a few days, and he's trying to find some booty to hook up with.   I mentioned the name of the single woman that helped give me a threesome, since I know she likes him a lot.     He went on about how he contacted her already and she's trying to set something up for him.    He was reminiscing about the last time he was with her.   He said he got a hotel room and she made him cum 3 times and still wanted more.    He also said she was trying to arrange a threesome for his birthday.

Come to find out he had his females confused.   He wasn't talking about the single female that gave us the threesome, he was talking about the female from that couple we are no longer friends with.  What's funny about that is when we were swinging with them, the guy would hardly even let her play with single males at a party.   He always gave single males a hard time and was very cautious about it.  Even up until just a few months ago he still hadn't given her a threesome with another guy.  Even when we were having sex with them, if I made his wife moan extra loud or something he would always look up to see what I was doing.  I think part of his paranoia about single guys was because his wife had a 2 year long affair with someone before they started swinging.  He also wouldn't allow his wife to play with guys who have a bigger dick than he does.

So you can imagine my surprise to find out this single guy hooked up with his wife.  I asked him if the husband knew, and he said yes....that he knew all about it.    Sorry, but my Spidey Sense is tingling on this one.   I find it very hard to believe that this guy who was so paranoid about single guys has done a complete 180 and now allows her to play with single guys by herself, and then to let her plan on giving another guy a threesome.  Also throw in the fact that this single guy is 13 years younger and has a 9 inch dick, and her husband didn't want her playing with guys larger than he is.   I'd almost be willing to bet any amount of money that she's doing exactly what I told him to watch out for, and she's cheating on him.   If I've learned anything from being in the lifestyle it's that most single guys who swing are loyal only to their dicks, so it would be no sweat for this guy to lie about the husband knowing about the hotel.   Also, the husband saw first hand what happened to our relationship with all the single guys so I'm just not buying it.

I honestly think his wife is a sex addict.   She literally will have sex with ANYBODY at a party, no matter how they look.   She said the reason she had an affair before is that her husband is normally boring in bed.  It was after the affair was discovered that she let him know she was a swinger before they started dating.  In the beginning, she would always find females to give him a threesome or they would only play with couples.   I kept wondering why he never returned the favor and gave her a threesome, and that's when I was told about the affair.   All the threesomes were a way to make up for what she did, but in reality it was so she eventually could fuck other guys again.   Very smart on her part, and her plan worked like a charm.  I'll give her that.

Oh well...I tried warning him.   Also there are a few other people in our circle who suspect the same thing I do, so it's not like I'm alone in my thinking.  Who knows though, maybe he's lightened up and they've started doing hallpasses.   If I were a betting man though, I'd say she's still up to no good.

What The Hell Is He Thinking???

So I was chatting with my coworker who's wife left him stranded on their vacation and also had him thrown in jail.   A couple of weeks ago she also had him served with divorce papers.    He moved out of their house, and he is now currently living with his parents.

He was telling me that he told his soon to be ex-wife that he wanted to be there to watch Monday night football tonight.    In their house he has a 90" projector screen so he wants to watch the game on it.   She said that it's his house too, and of course he can come over anytime he wants.   He said that he thinks she may be realizing what she did was wrong, and there may be a chance for reconciliation.

What.  The.  Hell.

This woman had him thrown in jail, and then changed the plane tickets so that she could fly back home that same night, and she also took the rental car back.   When he got out of jail, he was completely stranded and had to call his parents for help.    Then she serves him with divorce papers a week later, plus he has to fly back to California for his court date, and he's thinking of taking her back???

I mean I guess I'm not one to talk since I took my wife back after she cheated on me, but I just don't think I could take somebody back who had me thrown in jail and left me stranded like that.    To each their own I guess, but I think he's making a big mistake.    This isn't the first time she's lost her temper either, as there have been multiple times where they have started arguing and yelling in public.  They have no kids together so it should be a clean and easy break.

I'm all for couples working things out.....but it just seems like they are avoiding the inevitable......

Heathens and Wildlings

So a few weekends ago one of our swinger friends wanted to celebrate her birthday at a hotel bar.   She invited a lot of people to come, but it ended up being just us and one other swinger couple.  There was the couple that we used to be friends with that got invited too, but they told her at the last minute they wouldn't be able to go.  I'm betting they backed out because they knew we would be there, which is really childish if you think about it.    The night was supposed to be about our friend's birthday so they should have come anyway.   This is the same swinger friend of ours who's husband left her after 20 years of marriage, so they should have come out to support her.

So we celebrated at a hotel bar that's a well-known swinger hangout.  We didn't know the other couple that attended, but one thing about swingers is that they are usually friendly and will talk to anyone, plus they always have interesting stories to tell.    It was fun listening to them talk about the first time they met our friend, and the husband's fascination with titties.

Afterwards my wife told me that she really thought hard about having a threesome with our friend since it was her birthday, but she just couldn't do it.    She said while we were both swinging, she noticed that as time went on she started losing her jealousy over me and that seemed to coincide with her starting to loose interest in me.   She said she feels like the healthy type of jealousy is back for her, and she would just feel a little too jealous watching me have sex with another woman.   Of course, she always tells me this stuff AFTER the fact when the opportunity is gone.   Our friend is extremely bisexual (borderline lesbian) and she has always wanted to hook up with the wife and I, so I'm sure if she had known my wife was considering it, she would've put the full course press on my wife.

Here's what I honestly think about the situation.  I've told my wife plenty of times recently that I feel like giving me a threesome would make up a little bit for everything that happened while we were swinging, but she tells me I won't be getting another one.   It's not so much that I desire another woman, but I think it's the fact the she pretty much did what she wanted while we were swinging, and didn't really make much of an effort to get a threesome for me.  I know.  My rationale is crazy, I'll admit.   Here's what I really think is going on and why she didn't want to go through with the threesome.

 I think if it's a sexual situation where I might get more enjoyment out of something than she will, then my wife doesn't really want to participate.   But lets say for example if our bisexual friend was dating somebody my wife found attractive, I'd almost be willing to bet a month's salary that my wife probably would've wanted to have sex with them, because she would've found more benefit from it than a threesome.   When I was giving my wife threesomes with guys, yes I was hoping it would make her want to repay the favor and find some women for us, but it was also great to see her happy and super satisfied.  

My wife unfortunately just isn't wired the same way, and I think this is one area of her life where she is a bit selfish.   Not necessarily saying this is a bad thing because my wife isn't normally a selfish person at all.   I think we all have certain things we are selfish about, and it looks like I've found what my wife is selfish about, due to everything that happened while we were swinging.

So even though our "official" stance is that if something "just happens" with a woman or a couple, that would be okay, more than likely nothing will "just happen" with a woman, only couples.   I don't really think I would be okay with that happening though, because at the end of the day I don't really feel comfortable with her getting to have sex with another man when my desires aren't being taken into consideration.   It's probably best we just drop the whole possibility of swinging ever again, although I'd love to take another trip to Hedonism this summer.   Decisions, Decisions......

Negativity Is Just Your Ego Protecting Itself

It's so funny that I have this blog that's centered around getting rid of all your Nice Guy tendencies.   Because of this, I've gotten more into the metaphysical as you will, with reading more things centered around the Law of Attraction, and other positing thinking methods.

I recently started reading a book called A Bug Free Mind, and in it the author states that each hour of your day, you should take at least 15 continuous seconds and focus on a happy or positive thought.    The key behind this thinking is that at some age when we are kids, we start to have more and more negative thoughts.  More and more self-doubt starts to creep in until we really are no longer in control of our minds anymore.   Think back if you can to when you were a really young kid.    When you told people you wanted to be an astronaut, a policeman, an actress, or a fireman....was there any doubt in your mind at all?    You honestly believed at that age that you could be whatever you wanted to be.  It isn't until we get older and people (parents, teachers, older siblings, etc) start putting doubts in our head that we start to become negative thinkers.  Taking those 15 second breaks is the first step to regaining control over your thought process.

The author of that book also talks about the only way we can really have the life we want is to start getting rid of those negative thoughts.     It's quite the coincidence that today during lunch, this guy who normally is pretty shy sat down at our table.    Now this guy used to be pretty anti-social and would keep to himself, but he was a regular Chatty Kathy today.    See about a year ago when he was here, he developed a brain tumor which required surgery and rehab, and he was away from work for about 8 months.  

 In talking with him, he said that after the surgery on his brain he literally lost about 4 years of memory.  He's currently only 26 years old, and he remembers when he was 25 but then there is a gap and he doesn't remember much of anything from ages 21-25.    He said what's really strange is his fiance ( they met in their 20's) said that he's way more outgoing now than he used to be.   He said to him that just sounds crazy because he loves hosting parties and loves being around people.   Myself and a few other co-workers also confirmed that he used to be anti-social.

So at some point, this person who was very social allowed certain events that happened in his life to turn him into your average, self-doubting, anti-social Nice Guy.    It got me thinking, because in high school I was voted best personality and I was nowhere near as afraid of failure as I am now.   What events happened in my life to turn me into the person I am today?     If someone told you back when you were in high school that your life would be like this, would you have believed them?    I sure as hell wouldn't have.     Some of you may have been voted "Smartest" or "Most Likely to Succeed" back in high school.    So what happened in your life to steer you off track?   What has happened to make you doubt yourself?

No matter how old you are, it's never too late to get back on track and live the life you were meant to live.

263.2 - The Tipping Point

263.2 fucking pounds.

At the age of 37, I am literally the heaviest I've ever weighed in my entire life.  

I am 5 foot 9, and I weigh 263.2 pounds.    My only saving grace at this point is that I do have a tiny bit of muscle mass so I don't look like a complete lard ass, but this is downright pathetic.   I have to be brutally honest here.   Looking at myself in the mirror lately, it's honestly no wonder my wife starting being more interested in other men while we were swinging, and it's no wonder we had such a hard time finding single women to play with us.   I know all of that sounds incredibly harsh, but sometimes the truth is like shining a bright light at someone who's been in complete darkness for months.  Yes it hurts, but it's necessary.

I've always been on the chubby side.   Even when I left the army and was in the best shape of my life I weighed about 210 lbs.    Even when I'm at 235 I can still at least run 3 miles on the treadmill, but at over 260 lbs today, there is just no damn excuse.   One of my first blogs on here was me talking about how working out was the single, most important thing a recovering Nice Guy can do, and I obviously haven't been taking my own advice.   Know what else really sucks about gaining weight as a guy?   I swear that my dick has shrunk at least 1/2 an inch.   I've heard stories about how if a guy loses more than 20 lbs his dick can appear bigger, and I never believed it until now....LOL.   I told you I was gonna keep it real with my blog.  Seems like all this extra fat is making my dick look smaller.  I guess that's why you don't see too many fat guys doing porno.

Lately I've been studying the "Law of Attraction" and have been trying to incorporate some of the principles into my own life.  It hasn't been easy, as most recovering Nice Guys like myself are used to self-doubt all the time.   The old saying of  "We are what we think about" seems to be the main point here.   It does seem to work in some regard though, as the most successful people are usually the ones who are positive thinkers.

One of the main tenets of the Law of Attraction is to act like you've already achieved what you desire.   So that means you need to imagine how it would feel to truly reach your goal.   What would your emotions be like?  How would you dress?   What kind of house would you have?    Most people have trouble with this because we are so used to thinking about the things we want not happening.  A key example of this for me would be how badly I wanted a threesome while we were swinging, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking we were never going to get it.   It's like walking into a dealership to buy a car, but then thinking that you aren't going to get one.

I had a major breakthrough last night though.   I was lying in bed half dozing off and I started imagining what my life would be like if I was 60 lbs lighter.    I pictured myself walking around in better-looking clothes, and walking around smiling because I'd be much more upbeat and full of energy.  I didn't just picture myself doing this, this time I actually felt like it was happening to me in real life.  I also envisioned myself having much more confidence, and having a higher paying job because of that confidence.   I felt what it was like to have a flat stomach and a buff chest.   I actually felt how it would feel to have women checking me out as I walk by.

I kinda snapped out of my daydream, but I still had all of the good feelings that I associated with losing 60 lbs.  It was really kind of strange, but I know in my mind now that getting in shapes is no longer something that I HOPE to do.   It's something that I AM going to do, and I WILL lose this weight.  Even in my head right now I'm picturing all of our swinger female friends asking my wife if they can have one last turn with me...LOL.   This should be fun........

  

Non-Wifey Material

So a male friend of my wife's was talking about his latest "date".   Apparently he and a woman he met online agreed to meet for dinner.     At the end of the dinner the waiter asked if it would be all on one check, or on separate checks.   The guy said separate checks.

So the woman proceeded to go off on him.     She said that a real man wouldn't ask a woman to pay for her own meal, and that HER money was for herself and her kids.   She also went on and on about how her ex-husband would always pay for everything.    So the guy told my wife that he almost felt kinda bad, and is thinking about asking her out again and wanted my wife's opinion.    Of course he also said she's very good-looking.  To make matters more interesting, about a week later there was going to be some concert in town, and the woman called him and said he should buy two tickets so they could go.   He told her no, and of course he really hasn't heard from her since.

Is this guy delusional?   I'm not one to casually throw around the "B" word, but ummm.....bitch please.   I would've told her ass that she better get back with her ex if she wants a man to pay for everything while she spends her money on whatever she wants.   Why in the hell would he want to ask her out again?    She's already told him in not so many words that she is NOT wife material, and she certainly wouldn't be willing to help out with any bills if they were to enter into a long-term relationship.    No REAL woman would berate a guy for not picking up the entire tab if it's just a first meeting.    See this is why you need to ignore a woman's beauty, because it makes you start to 2nd guess your own logic.    No woman's vagina is worth that much hassle.

You should always ask yourself...if this woman was just average-looking, would I put up with her behavior? If your answer is no, then I don't care if she looks like Beyonce and screws like a porn star, get rid of her.



  

State of the Union

I've posted a lot here about some of the troubles we encountered while swinging.

I know I may have painted my wife out to be a bad person with some of the things she did while we were swinging.

We are working through things though, and it's been a long road back to the recovery of our marriage.    I have to give my wife credit for putting up with my moodiness, and my seemingly spontaneous moments of anger or sadness.    She has listened to me vent all of my frustrations over what happened and she's generally been supportive.  

One of the things we promised each other is that we would tell each other everything.   Like she has told me her fears of thinking I am going to cheat on her out of revenge, and I've told her there have been times where I felt that was EXACTLY what I needed to do.  Honestly, we should've had this type of communication earlier in our marriage.

So our "official" stance on swinging now is that if we're around a female or a couple we trusted and something happened that wasn't planned, then that might be okay.   It's just not something that we are actively going to seek out anymore, and I can really only think of one or two couples that something like that would happen around.  And NO single guys.

Oh and remember that swinger couple that we lost as friends because I told the husband that his wife had some ulterior motives?  So I ended up sending the guy a text apologizing for causing stress to his relationship.  Notice I didn't apologize for what I said.   He said he appreciates the apology, but they don't want any drama and we just need to lose their numbers.   So fuck it....the apology was really more for me than it was for them.  I certainly am NOT going to apologize to the female though.  She was the one person cheering my wife on and applauding while she was cheating, so I could care less about her.   Sometimes people just aren't ready to hear the truth, so he'll have to learn the hard way like I did.  

My First and Only Threesome

Finally.   Finally at the age of 36 I was about to get my first threesome.   I'd been trying for over 10 years to get a threesome with two women.   I was close to it a few times.  One time I had both women lined up and I'd gotten a hotel room in their city.   One of the ladies was gung ho about it, because she had always fantasized about being with a woman.   I called the other as I was driving down there and she said "You just seem way to happy about fucking another woman and I just don't want to do it anymore."   What the fuck?   Was I supposed to act like I was sad about getting a threesome?  So strike one for me.

Then there was a time I found a woman who was willing to give me one, but she said she wanted to be with me by herself for a few times at first.  (By the way fellas, NEVER fall for this trick...because that woman has ZERO intention of ever giving you a threesome)  So we had sex a few times, but she never gave me a threesome.  Strike two.

There was one night where I just KNEW it was going to happen.  The women already knew each other, and they had given other guys threesomes, and they both agreed to be at my apartment at a certain time one night.  Well one of them showed up, and the other stood us up.  DAMMIT.  Strike three.

So when my wife and I became swingers and threw our first party, I required all of the single guys to bring a female as a date.  Previously my wife and I hadn't had much luck in finding a single woman to play with, so I figured this would be a good way to meet some women.  I just couldn't figure out why it was so hard to arrange a threesome when all the other guys seemed to be getting them.  (Really in hindsight, my wife wasn't really trying that hard to find a woman.)   This guy that came to our party was pretty much an asshole, but I ended up getting his date's phone number.  I had already given my wife two threesomes with guys, and I felt like it was my turn.  I took matters into my own hands and I called the woman, and set up a date for her to come over.

That night I was super nervous and excited.   I kept thinking she might stand us up, but thankfully she showed up.  My wife was already wearing some sexy lingerie, so our guest got showered and put on some lingerie as well.   We talked for a bit and started having some drinks.   Our guest and my wife were talking about everyday stuff like work and I kept thinking "When are we all going to get naked?"  After what seemed like an hour of talking, I finally I put on a porno and we sat down on the couch to watch it.  About 15 mins later we were headed upstairs.   What better way to end the night than with one woman sitting on my face and the other riding me?   Or both of them giving me head at the same time?   That night was fantastic and I went to sleep with a great smile on my face.

That next morning we had some more fun as I ended up having anal sex with our guest while my wife was in the bathroom taking a bath.  I thought that night would be the beginning of many more threesomes for me, but sadly that was my one and only threesome.   Trust me I appreciate the fact that I finally got one, but when you experience something new and exciting, is one time really enough?

A threesome with two women should be on EVERY guys bucket list and you need to do whatever you've gotta do to make that happen.   It just takes a lot of patience and planning, but it will happen if you keep at it.  Hell it took me over 10 years to get one.  The difficult part is that if you as the male try to find the two women, you've got a long road to go.   Women are so damned picky, and it's a big hassle trying to find two different women who are going to be attracted to each other, with no personality clash.  It's much easier if the woman you are with finds the other woman for you.   Even better is if she has a freaky female friend that she trusts that's willing to help make it happen.   Even this can backfire too as females can be quite flaky at times.  We have a female friend that swore up and down she would do a threesome with us, but would always find some excuse not to do it, or would chicken out.   That's why I'm glad I ended up taking matters into my own hands because otherwise it wouldn't have happened.

Good luck fellas, and happy hunting!

  



   

Aftermath of Swinging: Part II

We went out with one of my wife's co-workers and her husband this weekend.   Now based upon some of the things she has told my wife, I figured they were probably swingers.   Like they bought a hot tub a few months ago, and they said that for "some reason" recently everyone's just been getting naked while they're in the hot tub, but nothing sexual goes on.   Yeah...for "some reason"...LOL.    Anybody that's been swinging before can easily figure out why people are getting naked, and of COURSE some sexual stuff is going on.

So after the wife and her were both drunk, she let the cat out of the bag that they've been dabbling around with swinging some, but its mostly been with single females.   She said they've done everything EXCEPT actual intercourse.   She's at the point now where she feels like he's had enough fun with the females, and its time for her to have a little bit of fun with a guy.   My wife confessed that we used to be swingers, but it just didn't work for us.   They were both right to be a little cautious about telling a co-worker about their personal lives, because we all know how gossip in the office place spreads like wildfire.  My wife did not tell her co-worker why we stopped swinging, because that's a little too personal.

So of course I've mentioned how in previous blogs how swinging really messed up our marriage.   So of course all that conversation got me thinking about it again, and I started getting a little moody.   Why did it have to be MY WIFE out of all people that messed up...why couldn't it be somebody else's wife?   How come all of the other wives go out of their way to make sure their man is satisfied FIRST and mine wouldn't?  It just reinforces my idea that the only way swinging works for couples is to either ONLY play with other couples, or the woman needs to find single females for her husband first before any single males are introduced into the picture.

So the co-worker asked my wife if we still "play" here and there.   We did have a little cookout recently, where I saw my wife give a guy a kiss.  My attitude now is that if I see my wife doing something, I'm going to do something too, because I refuse to miss out on anymore fun.  So later that evening I started fingering that guy's wife under her skirt.    My wife told her co-worker no, that she loves me too much to let something come between us in our marriage again.   She said it would be one thing though if we were around a couple that we trusted, and it "just happened".   Then I started thinking....Oh hell no.   My thing is, if we were to ever sexually play with other people again, I feel like I am at LEAST owed a threesome with another woman to make up for all the cheating she did while we were swinging.  I told her my thought process behind it all, and she said "Oh well I'm just fine with not doing anything."

So basically us playing with a couple down the road would okay, but I am never getting another threesome.   Why should she get to have more fun again, even if its with another couple when she had plenty of fun without me around?    I know it's a stupid, and maybe even selfish way to think....but I can't help it.   What do you guys think...do you think I'm wrong for thinking that way?

I am not budging on this either.   Sorry, but penance must be paid before there is any possibility of future fun.  Why should the single females be eliminated from our fun, they didn't cause any problems, it was the single DUDES that were the problem.  When we started swinging, she became a selfish person, and I do think it's still a little selfish to not want to make things up to me.   

Even still, sometimes I do miss the rush of excitement that swinging introduces to your relationship, and I do miss some of the people we've met.   Kinda sad that once we stopped swinging, most of the people don't really talk to us anymore.  I sure as hell don't miss all the frustration, back-stabbing single guys, lies, and blows to my self-esteem that came along with swinging.   It's been months now since everything came out, and I'm still having a hard time dealing with it.   I always prided myself on being a very strong person mentally, but this whole thing has really fucked up my self-esteem and my way of thinking.   I've had to dive head first into things like the Law of Attraction, Cognitive Based Therapy, and other methods of dealing with my negative thought processes lately.   In a twisted kind of way I'm sort of glad it happened because it was the final deathblow for Mr Nice Guy.

And by the way, there is no such thing as something "just happened" when it comes to swinging or sex.   A deer running out in front of your car is something that "just happens".     Taking your clothes off does not "just happen."    Giving somebody a blowjob doesn't "just happen, and a dick going into a vagina sure as hell doesn't "just happen".   That all happens because both people WANT it to happen.  Saying something "just happens" is basically not accepting responsibility for what you WANTED to happen. 

I used to have the urge to cheat out of revenge for what happened, but ultimately cheating never solves anything.   If you cheat out of revenge, all that really does is take some of the heat off your partner for their cheating, and then you really can't be angry with them for doing it because you did the same thing.     Also cheating in itself is a recipe for drama, and you could potentially put your partner at risk.  You never know what type of person you're dealing with emotionally when you cheat.

Let's just say one of the guys my wife cheated on me with REALLY wanted a relationship with my wife and got pissed off because she wanted to work things out with me.   Who do you think they're going to take their anger out on?  Me, that's who.   Out of four guys, three of them have our address so it would be quite easy to catch me walking to my car going to work one day or some other crazy shit like that.   It all sounds ridiculous but you have NO idea what a scorned lover is capable of.   The news is full of stories of scorned lovers (both men and women) who go ape shit and turn violent.  

So here we are, still dealing with the aftermath of everything that happened and I'm left dealing with the scrambled thoughts that go on in my head.   Truth be told, maybe it's time for me to a little bit more selfish about the things I want out of life.   If I'm being 100% honest with myself, if I had been a little more selfish when it came to some of the single guys, a lot of our trouble could've been avoided.   I had a gut feeling about some of these guys that told me they were bad news, but I wanted to be nice and make sure my wife had some single guys to play with.  Big mistake.   Your instincts are there for a reason, I've just gotta learn to trust mine better. 

Be Careful Who You Settle Down With

This week I was wondering what I would write about....life works in mysterious ways I guess.

My co-worker just came back from a week-long vacation in California.    I asked him how his vacation was.
He said it was shitty.   I was thinking how can a vacation in Cali be shitty?    Maybe it rained all week?

He said his wife had him thrown in jail.   I looked at him with a grin on my face, thinking he was playing but he just looked back at me with a deadpan stare.   Even then I still thought he was joking until he told me what happened.  

Basically they were both drinking in the hotel room and started arguing.   The argument got so loud that someone in another room called the cops.    He didn't touch her in anyway, but she had him arrested for "non-aggressive domestic disturbance".    No, I'm not making it up either.    Apparently California has some very "aggressive" domestic abuse laws.     So even though they were both intoxicated, both yelling at each other, he got taken to jail.

Oh but it gets better.   While he was in jail, she left California and left him stranded down there by himself.   He said he is filing for divorce this week and their house is going on the market.   Luckily for him they've only been married for about 2 years, and this is a no-fault state so no alimony will be paid.   It's also a good thing they don't have any kids, so it's a clean break except for the house.

I'd heard from a few other co-workers that she had a bit of a temper, but damn.   See fellas this is why one of the main tenets of the Commandments of Poon is to ignore her beauty.   She's a very good-looking Latina woman, but I've heard through the grapevine on more than a few occasions that they've had some pretty bad arguments, and this was before they even got married.   One question you need to ask yourself regarding women is:   If she wasn't so attractive, would I still put up with her?

Another Commandment of Poon that was broken in this case was Rule 15:  Maintain Your State Control.
Particularly the part that states "She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you."   I understand it's hard to think about this in the heat of the moment, but you need to try and keep calm and collected.    Don't make a habit of getting into a shouting match with your woman, because it usually doesn't end well.   That same woman who was spitting fire and raining down curse words at you will turn into a helpless, crying victim when the cops are called.  

Ever watch the soap opera "Young and the Restless" with Victor Newman?   I know, I know...we're men...we don't watch soap operas but just hear me out.   The main reason Victor is such a bad ass is because he always seems to be in control of himself.    He doesn't make any impulsive decisions and when others are pissed at him and start yelling, he just sits back with his arms folded and calmly tells them how it's going to be, whether they like it or not.    Save your shouting matches for when she REALLY fucks up, but otherwise "maintain your state control".

Moral of the story here boys, is be careful who you marry or enter into a long-term relationship with it.    If she starts showing her true colors and turns psycho, possessive, or any other intolerable traits, IGNORE HER BEAUTY and decide if it's something you want to put up with for the rest of your life.

Choose wisely.
      
          

Knock Her Off the Pedastal

So a longtime female friend of mine was telling me about this extremely good-looking guy in one of her classes, and how she gets super nervous around him.  Now my friend happens to be an attractive woman who gets lots of attention from guys, so its kind of ironic that she would get so nervous being around someone.

So many guys out there (and some women) put the person they are interested on a pedestal, and that's one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make.     Always remember the popular phrase of no matter how good-looking she is, there's a guy out there who is tired of putting up with her shit.   Guys out there get so caught up in how a woman looks that they don't realize she's a regular human being just like you are.

This same woman who you puts you in a mesmerizing trance every time you see her has just as many faults as you do, if not more.   That same woman farts just the way you do.  That same woman might get insanely drunk every weekend and puke on herself.   She could have piss poor credit, or be a deadbeat mom.    That same woman digs in her nose while she's driving her car.   That same woman can take a dump in the bathroom so foul-smelling it will make your eyes water.    Never put women an unapproachable pedestal, because at the end of the day she's really no different than the other women out there.  This circles back to Rule 10 of the Poon Commandments:  Ignore Her Beauty.

I gave my friend this exact same speech concerning her good-looking classmate, and the next day she sent me a text saying she actually had her first conversation with the guy.   Kudos to her for taking him off the pedestal she put him on.   Stop thinking that you aren't worthy of approaching someone just because they look a certain way.  What you're really doing when you put someone on a pedestal is you're telling yourself that you aren't good enough for them.

You're better than that.    If you don't value and love yourself as a person, don't expect anyone else to.

Hello There Neighbor

So I've always been a bit of a private person.   I usually prefer to have just a few really good friends and have everybody else be associates.    Being introverted is one of the things about myself that I've been trying to change for years, and I do recognize that it's good to have a bigger network of friends for social purposes, and it also helps for career purposes as well.    

One of the problems with finding friends is that the people we like to have over to our house MUST be open-minded and we must feel comfortable being ourselves around them.    Since we used to be swingers, it's not strange that we might have a cookout and a woman or two may flash their tits.   Or sometimes someone may want to smoke some weed.   Also if I'm in my own home drinking and it's a party, I'm likely to get drunk.   Not exactly something that everybody is accustomed to, and my wife and I certainly don't want to be getting drunk around people that are too "stuffy".

So in the spirit of trying to broaden my horizons and push myself out of my comfort zone, our neighborhood has a Facebook page and we decided to join.   From reading some of the posts in that group......we have some nosy ass neighbors.   I mean seriously one of them has a police scanner and sits around listening to it all day.   Then there were posts because a police car showed up to someone's house, and all the neighbors on the Facebook page were asking if anybody knew what it was about.   Seriously people?  When we had our daughters living with us, we had the cops show up twice because they got in fights (My wife and I weren't home either time) so I can only imagine what they think about us.  

I'm all about being cool with the neighbors, but something tells me I don't want any of these people in my business like that..  The neighbor that started the Facebook, of COURSE they are on the HOA board for our neighborhood, and of COURSE their kids are home-schooled.  I'm happy as hell we don't live beside them.    At our swinger parties this one female was always sooooo loud I would end up having to close the windows in our house.   I guarantee you they probably would've called the cops on us.   I can just imagine me telling the cops "No officer really, no one is being murdered.....she's just really loud when she has an orgasm".....

I'm halfway tempted to tell everybody on the Facebook page that we used to be swingers to gauge their reactions.   The ones that act shocked and appalled, we know to avoid those people.    Then perhaps we'll know the other ones are cool enough to invite over for drinks with our other friends.

The Aftermath of Swinging

There was time after everything came out where I was angry.   We were still friends with swingers we used to hang out with, and I would still hear about their exploits and the good times they were having.  I would sit back and wonder how come other couples were able to make it work.   How come MY wife had to be the one who couldn't control herself when it came to swinging?  How come swinging wasn't enough for her, why did she have to hook up with guys behind my back?  How come other couples are able to swing with no problems?

So I had to sit back and really think about things.   When the truth slowly started to come out, I had to take a hard look at my wife.   In hindsight, honestly if I didn't know any better I would have assumed she was literally on drugs with the way she was behaving.   At the point where she was thinking of leaving me, I suspected there was a certain guy she was interested in.   I didn't know at the time that they had already hooked up sexually, but I sent him a text that said "It's not gonna work."     There was no response from him, but my wife came home and was furious with me.     She said she can talk to whoever she wants, and if she wants she'll go and get a prepaid phone just so I can't see who she's contacting.  As she was talking, I remember thinking to myself, "Who in the hell is this person I married?".  My wife at this point was a completely different person, and I didn't even recognize who she was anymore.  Even she didn't like who she was becoming.

So when I say that my wife behaved as if she was on drugs, that's exactly what it was.   She was intoxicated and sucked in by the swinging lifestyle, enjoyed all the attention she received from men, and hooked on the dopamine and oxytocin it provided.   At some level, her cheating was almost no different than people who are hooked on drugs that steal from you.   They KNOW they are doing the wrong thing, but the payoff (sex, being high) is too appealing for them to stop.

I almost have to look at it as if she was someone addicted to alcohol or another drug.  Would I be upset if I couldn't bring alcohol into the house or we couldn't go to a bar because of her alcohol problem?   Would I get mad hearing stories about other people having a good time out drinking?    Of course I wouldn't, because I wouldn't want to expose a recovering alcoholic to that kind of environment, and looking at it in that way helps me to really understand what was going on.    Some people can handle alcohol just fine, some couples can handle swinging just fine.    Life isn't "one size fits all" and what works for others doesn't work for some.

As a side note, months later I also started to realize that some of those couples we thought were doing just fine end up having more sex with others than they do with each other, or they are just using swinging to hide the problems in their relationship.  Just like alcohol, swinging only works in moderation.  

Winter Is Coming

So you've caught your woman doing something wrong.   Maybe you caught her sending inappropriate texts to a co-worker or male friend, or worse you've caught her cheating.   You've confronted her on the issue, she's sorry, you've forgiven her and you two are going to move forward.   Guess what's going to happen next in a few days or weeks?

Wait for it.....

Wait for it....

What's going to happen next is that after you've forgiven her, she is going to try and search for something that YOU did wrong so she can call you out on it.  People don't like for the spotlight to be on themselves if they've done something wrong, so it makes them feel better if somebody else has done something wrong too.  It's human nature to do this, and I can admit I've done it too.  This is why if you confront a cheater, sometimes the first thing they will do is start pointing out things that YOU did wrong.  If they're clever enough, they may even try to convince you that them cheating is YOUR fault.

Your woman digging for dirt also serves another purpose.  If you're the typical Nice Guy who pretty much just goes with the flow and usually lets your woman make most of the decisions about things, the discovery of whatever she did wrong causes a subtle power shift in the relationship.   When your partner or spouse does something wrong, they know that they can't make unusual demands of you anymore, or behave in the same manner they are used to because they are trying to get back on your good side.  

Women and society are so used to men being the ones that mess up, and women particularly don't seem to handle things too well when they're the ones that have to kiss ass to get back in your good graces.    Women who are used to having most of the power in their relationship HATE that they're no longer in control because of the power shift, so they seek to regain control by finding something they can chew you out over.   This is all so you can go back to your normal "puppy on a leash" routine of letting her lead you around.  Like Chris Rock said, nothing makes your woman happier than you doing something wrong so she can yell at you like a little kid.

When this happens guys, remember Law 15 of the 16 Commandments of Poon.

XV.   Maintain Your State Control

You are an oak tree.  You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips.   She will rain thunder all around you, and you will shelter her until her storm passes.  She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you.  When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

So now you know what's coming, and it's your job to not be swayed by the mind game she's going to play.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Apparently I should have been wearing a bulletproof vest this weekend.

So like some of you know from previous blogs, we used to be swingers.   There was a couple that lives not even 10 mins from us that we used to have sex with regularly.   We'll just call the guy John, and the female Jane.  We thought we could be very good friends with this couple, and John was actually the one who eventually told me my wife had cheated on me.    He also was a good enough friend to go through his Jane's phone and let me know that my suspicions about my wife and a certain guy were correct.  He also let me know that there was one day my wife called in sick for work and she was supposed to drive up and see this particular guy, but it didn't work out.  What he didn't know at the time though, was that Jane
was going to ride along with my wife to go see this guy as well, so they would've ended up giving the guy a threesome.

I found all of this out when I took John out for drinks one happy hour.   During that happy hour, John also discussed how years ago Jane had an affair that lasted a few months, and for that reason he really doesn't trust her 100%.   I felt like I owe John a tremendous amount of gratitude for not only letting me know what was going on, but he basically saved my marriage.  So now the background of the story has been laid.....

Because of Jane's affair on John, most of their swinging consists of them playing with other women and couples.    Lately they've been getting more lax on the rules, and she can now play with single guys when they are at a house or hotel party.   Jane wants to have more freedom though so, so she has been bending rules a little bit to try and accomplish that.   Like at a cookout we had, she and John took a female upstairs to one of our bedrooms, and then Jane left the room to let John play solo.    Also they went to a sex club and one of John's co-workers happened to be there.   Jane let John have sex with his co-worker, and also told the co-worker that she and John can hookup whenever they wanted, she just has to know about it.    My wife told Jane this was a bad idea since most people spend more time around their co-workers than they do at home, and it could potentially lead to an affair.    Jane said she was doing all this to get "more freedom" to do what she wants.   She also told my wife not to tell me.

The thing about Jane and John is that once we stopped swinging, our "friendship" with them was pretty much over.   We do have get-togethers every now and then, but they are semi-vanilla.   What we mean by that is we make sure that people we have at our house are very open-minded, because someone may flash their tits after drinking, including my wife.    Also if people want to go to one of our bedrooms and fool around, they can do so, we just won't be participating.   We've had John and Jane over twice since we stopped swinging.  The first time we had them over, Jane spent most of the night trying to convince my wife to get sexual.  Then after Jane got drunk and passed out, John then proceeded to try and convince my wife that we should still swing.  Of course they didn't have any luck.  John and Jane were always telling us they would invite us over the next time they had a cookout, but of course they never did.   We only found out they had a big bbq by looking at the Facebook pictures.    We've paid for dinner for them before, and my wife has even treated Jane to an out of town concert and a hotel room.    None of that nice treatment has ever been returned, plus when we stopped swinging we noticed that we stopped hearing from them as much, so we kinda figured out that they only want to come around us if sex is involved, so they weren't really our friends to begin with.

So like I said, I felt like I owed John a lot for helping to save my marriage.    For about two weeks I wondered if I should tell him what Jane was really up to as far as her motives.   What John also doesn't know is that Jane's affair actually went on for two years, not just a few months like he was told.    The reason I never said anything to him about that is because they've already worked past their issues on that, so I felt like there was no reason to dig up an old wound.

So this weekend I finally told John to not fall for the trap of Jane saying that it's okay for him to hook up with females when he wants, because she is only doing it to gain more freedom.  Really I was only telling him to give him a heads up on what was going on and to keep his eyes open.    After I told him, I didn't hear back from him for a couple of hours, so I already knew what was gonna happen.

As expected, a few hours later I get a text from Jane telling me to stop spreading lies and accusations, and she is tired of me putting doubts in John's head about everything.   (Yeah Jane, I think the affair you had is what's creating most of his doubts, but let's not take any accountability here....)   She also said our "friendship" was over because we are full of drama, and we need to lose their numbers.   Now I'd already deleted her number 2 weeks ago since I figured we weren't friends anyway.  Now just the fact that she got SO upset is a dead giveaway that she's up to no good.   Honestly, the only reason she was so mad is because I messed up her plans.    

I sent John a text and said that I will delete their numbers, but I was just trying to look out for him like he did for me.    Basically he said my wife isn't a trustworthy source of information, and that I shouldn't be making accusations that will lead to problems in their relationship.   He also said he trusts Jane, which is laughable because just a few months ago he said he didn't fully trust her.    What's funny is that if you took a poll of our swinger friends and asked who would be the first woman to have an affair, everyone would point to Jane.  If I had to guess, Jane was probably standing right beside him as he sent me the text, and she probably threatened to cut off the swinging.   I know the routine, my wife would threaten the same thing when I started being suspicious of things.  

The mistake John made is that he confronted Jane right away which was a big no no.  What he SHOULD have done is taken the information I gave him, and then started paying close attention to what was going on.  He also could have asked a few other people, as its not like she has only told my wife this information.   Like I said, I struggled with telling him in the first place.    Each person has to learn things on their own journey I guess is the lesson.   I'd almost be willing to bet a week's salary though that shit will blow up in their faces a few months from now, and at least I can feel good that I actually tried to warn him.  That's the difference between real and fake friends though.   A real friend will tell you what you NEED to hear, regardless if you like it or not.    
 

Party time

So you've been dabbling in the swingers world for a while and you feel like you'd like to host your own party.   Here are some tips to get you started.

1.  Don't be afraid to ask folks to contribute.

Don't feel awkward or weird about asking people to contribute in some way to the party.    Look at it this way.   We don't live too far from a well-known swingers club.    The entry fee for couples is anywhere from $40 - $60 to get into this club, and that doesn't even include purchasing a membership if you aren't a member.     Then throw in the cost of drinks.   Let's say a 3 month membership costs you about $40.   So it's not out of the realm to say a couple could easily spend over $100 going to a swingers club.  

When we used to have parties, we would ask people to bring a bottle of their favorite alcohol to share to add to our existing alcohol, and we would cook up a bunch of finger food and appetizers.   Your guests will spend a lot less money bringing a bottle of alcohol than they would at a swingers club.   Also, it's been our experience that you're more likely to laid going to a house party than you will at a club.   We would have anywhere from 12-18 people at our house, and we find that a smaller setting provides a lot more opportunity to get to talk, laugh, and connect with people.   We know of another couple that will throw parties at a hotel suite and will usually ask couples to pay a $10 entry fee.  

2.   Condoms, Clean Sheets, and Towels

Don't forget to put a bowl of condoms in each room, you want to encourage people to have safe sex, and you don't want your guests stumbling around trying to find a condom during the heat of the moment.     You may also want to provide a change of bedsheets in each room, as well as a towel.   Don't worry about buying expensive sheets, the cheap sheets will work just fine.  Also you may want to invest in some air mattresses as well to give your guests more options for fun.

3.  Meet people before inviting them.

I strongly suggest meeting people before inviting them, especially if you are going to have the party at your house.  Some people will post the details of their party on a swingers site, and that's fine if that works for you, but we always liked to control who was going to show up.   The one hotel party we went to, some of the guys just seemed to be "weirdos" and we didn't really like the vibe.   We always liked having more control over the people we let come to our house, and we felt like it makes for a better party.  Also as the man of the house, you may want to walk around and check out all the action that's going.   If you see a female looking around like she needs help if some guy has cornered her, you will want to step in and help out.  You always want to make sure your single female guests feel safe if they come alone.

4.   Make most of the males bring a female date

When we first started swinging, we were having a hard time meeting females so one of the things I did was find some single males to invite to our party, but I required them to bring a female.    This serves a few purposes.   For one, it keeps your party from being a sausage fest. (Trust me, at least two of the females who accept your invite will flake out and not show up.)   Also, we find that males who can bring a "date" are usually a little better behaved.   Third, this is a great way to meet some more single females.   My one and only threesome came about this way, because I got the phone number from one of the females who was brought along as a date, and we set up a threesome just a few weeks later.

5.   Invite the freakiest female you know.

The first time you throw a party and get a group of people together, everyone will be a little nervous and anxious.   It's like everyone is standing around...making conversation....but everyone's scared to make that first move, or be the first one to get naked.    Enter your freaky friend.    See, the freaky female friend serves multiple purposes.   By freaky I mean a female who loves to fuck and won't hesitate to get naked.  At our first party, we were 2 hours in and everyone was still talking...no one had taken the plunge yet.   Finally after half an hour, one of our female friends went and changed clothes.    She came out wearing just a robe, pulled out a dildo, got on our couch and started pleasing herself with the dildo.   After about 5 mins of watching a guy walked over to her and they started having fun.   Then everybody loosened up and people starting rubbing and feeling on each other.     Having a freaky female friend helps get the party started, and because she loves to fuck she will make sure all the guys (and females in this case since our friend is bisexual) at your party have a great time.  Remember, as a male the LAST thing you want is to be competing for pussy at your own party.

6.  Account for the flakes

Always have a contingency plan for the people who are going to flake.   The people most likely to flake on your party will be the females.    You should expect at LEAST two of the females you invite to stand you up.  See the keywords for a flake are "maybe" or "I'll have to see".      Anyone who says this, you might as well plan on them not showing up.    We would always invite about 20 people, knowing only 15 or so would actually show up.


7.   Expect the unexpected and don't get too frustrated

If you are throwing your party with your wife or girlfriend, you two need to discuss any rules you two have prior to the party.   Always know though, sometimes things will not go as planned.  The first party we hosted was close to my birthday, so the plan was for my wife to round up at least two other women for me and then go upstairs to have a foursome for me.

Like I said...that was the PLAN lol.    What ended up happening is one of the guys took my half-drunk wife by the hand upstairs to our bedroom and I didn't see much of her until the party was pretty much over, except for me checking on her from time to time to make sure she was okay.  Every time she finished with one guy, another guy would be coming into our bedroom so she was "hosting" in her own special way.

Finally near the end of the night I got frustrated and went to find some women of my own.   I let them know what was supposed to happen for my birthday and I finally got two women to go upstairs with me.  (In hindsight it was kinda sad actually, me standing there basically begging for women to give me a threesome...LOL.   Remember what I said about how you shouldn't be competing for pussy at your own party...).    A key point here to keep in mind is that with swinging (and life in general I think) you are responsible for your own happiness.   Don't sit back and wait for someone else to make something happen for you, just go do it yourself.  Depending upon other people for our own happiness is a recipe for disappointment.

So the two women were on me for all of about 3 mins, and then 2 guys came in and started playing with the women.  The one who was giving me head started getting fucked from behind, so she lost her concentration so to speak and forgot about me.  Then two more people came into the room, so there was a total of about six people all on the bed and I was kind of at the bottom of the pile, mad as hell that my threesome was ruined.  (Note to other men.   If you're at a party and you're about to get a threesome, lock the door so other guys don't ruin it.)    There was one point earlier in the party where I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and she told me to go get a condom.    I ran upstairs to get a condom, sat back down on the couch and put the condom on.  Well at that particular moment she walked outside with her husband to smoke a cigarette.   So there I sat on the couch with a hard dick wearing a condom while they walked outside to smoke.   Talk about a frustrating night....lol.     I went to another party where one of the single guys was having sex with someone's wife and wasn't wearing a condom, and all shit broke loose after that and the guy got kicked out.   Just know that sometimes things happen that are out of your control.

Something will probably happen during the course of that night that might frustrate you.   You or your girlfriend may break one of your established rules, so you'll have to deal with that when the party is over.  Someone may get drunk and throw up, or you may be left sitting on the couch wearing a condom with a hard dick LOL.   Just always remember to discuss things with your partner about things that come up with open and honest communication.   It might also be a good idea to take a break from swinging for a few weeks after hosting a party to reconnect with your partner.    



 

Cheating From a Male Perspective: The Aftermath

So you've confronted her about the cheating, so now what?   If you don't plan to stay with her, you should have the closure you need to kick her to the curb.    But what if you want to try and work things out?   Now here comes the hard part.

One of the worst things about cheating is that the "other" guy just gets to go on living their life while you are left dealing with the fallout from everything.   You're emotionally devastated and left to pick up the pieces of a shattered relationship. There is a glimmer of hope though, because oftentimes once an affair is discovered, even if the cheater was planning on leaving you, people often get snapped back to reality and have a "What the hell was I thinking" moment.

The very first thing that you should demand is that they cut off ties with the person (people) they were unfaithful with.  This means they need to delete and block the person's email address, as well as phone number.   If necessary, I suggest having your woman call the guy one last time with you in the same room and letting him know it's over.  If you know who the person is, you may want to send them a text or phone call as well to let them know that you know what happened.   In my case, I knew who each of the guys was (they were people we met while swinging) so I told them they were not to have any more contact with my wife. Actually what I think I said is that I would crack their skull open if they spoke to my wife again, but that's besides the point.  If the offending person happens to also be in a relationship, you may want to let that person's better half know as well.

One thing you will want to avoid is an in-person confrontation with the guy.  You may think you'll be calm and collected if you were to see the person, but what will likely happen is your blood will start boiling and you may go into a fit of rage, and it will end up in a fist fight.   Or worse, what if you end up in jail over starting a fight....guess who'll be having sex with your woman while you're locked up?   Worse yet, we've all heard of stories where a fight turns into someone getting stabbed or shot.    One of the guys I confronted DARED me to come meet him.   I knew exactly where he was going to be, and it took everything within me not to go and want to hit him over the head with something.   Just don't do it.

Also, as a man your very next instinct will be to try and line up some side booty for yourself.   You're thinking that she got to have all of her fun, why shouldn't you?    I know how you're feeling because that was my very first thought when I found out about everything.    As bad as you want to, DO NOT CHEAT out of revenge.    The thing is you may get your revenge and hurt her back, but that's only short-lived.  In the long-term you damage your relationship and make reconciling that much harder.   Trust me, you're going to struggle with feeling like this for a long time, but I beg you not to cheat.

I would also suggest that you two examine your roles in what happened.   Now I'm not saying that her cheating is your fault, because it absolutely isn't.    But you may have played a slight role in what happened.  Perhaps there were subtle clues along the way, but because you're a Nice Guy you didn't wanna rock the boat or risk upsetting her. (Raising my hand on this one)  Perhaps a slighter offense occurred earlier (maybe you found out she went to lunch with a guy) and you didn't come down on her hard enough when it happened because you're too nice of a guy.    I am a firm believer in that we teach people how we want to be treated, and sometimes when people push boundaries and we don't respectfully push back, we let that person know it's okay to push the boundary even further.  A few (or many) sessions with a therapist can also open the door for honest dialogue.

Ultimately, it may take months or even years for you two to repair the relationship.   In some cases you may think you want to work things out, but months later you decide that you just can't forgive what happened.   Triggers are going to occur every now and then for no reason at all.   One guy is a firefighter in a different city, but seeing a firefighter on TV is something that can trigger me to get mad again.  Every couple's journey is different, and what path you take is up to you.  

Cheating: The Confrontation

So in the last blog I talked about what to do when you have a nagging suspicion that something is going on in your relationship.   So one of two things has happened.    You found out your suspicions were completely wrong, and you feel like a jackass for going through her stuff.   Or....you have gathered your evidence, found out that your suspicions were correct and now you have to deal with things.  Here's is the first question you need to ask yourself:

Do you still want to be with her?   Everyone's natural reaction to being cheated on is that they need to dump the person, because that's what society says you should do right?  Most therapists will tell you that immediately seeking to end the marriage or relationship right off the bat is usually the biggest mistake you can make.    Going through an infidelity is tough, but believe it or not your relationship can actually become stronger for having survived this crisis.  Now if you've been putting up with a woman that has basically made your life miserable, or withholds sex (which is a double whammy because she's been giving that sex to someone else) you really need to decide if you do actually want her back.  You may be better off just getting rid of her.

Here's a very important question to ask yourself.  Is she genuinely a dishonest person, or was she dishonest because of the affair?   The answer to this question should help you figure out if you want to continue a relationship with her.

Next comes the confrontation phrase.    Whatever you do, don't confront her on the phone, this includes text messaging.  This makes it way to easy for the person to hang up on you, or just stop responding and give themselves time to think up an excuse.    Choose a time and a place that is free from distractions.   Also, give yourself a little time to cool off.   It's normal to want to come at the person with both guns blazing and let them have it, but don't immediately go on the attack or you might not get the truth.

Typical Reactions to confrontation:

1.  Denial
2.  Admission - whatever they admit to is NEVER all of the truth.
3.  More Lying
4.  Attacking and/or accusing you

Remember, ALL humans lie it's just in our nature.  Don't think so?  You don't lie huh?  If you accidentally spilled some coffee on your boss's desk, and your boss came in an hour later screaming mad and said whoever did it would be fired, would you confess?   Yeah, I thought not.

Pay special attention to Number 2.  What she's going to admit will NOT be the whole truth.  Often she's just trying to confess to whatever you have proof of.   She's not going to confess everything because she's still trying to figure out what all you know.    Sometimes you have pull out the FBI line of questioning to finally get to all of the truth.  Now is not the time to fall for her tears either.   Often she may try to redirect you by bringing up something you did in the past, or even worse try to bring up things YOU did that caused her to cheat.   Don't fall for it....bottom line is she cheated because she wanted to.   PERIOD.

One major mistake I made was not having the confrontation right when I suspected something was going on.  Like I said before, I was just too scared of the confrontation.   She had already made it be known that she was thinking of leaving, and I was so desperate to have her stay (which breaks the one of the major Commandments of Poon) that I wanted to avoid all conflict.   For a month I lived like this, scared to make her upset out of fear that it would be the last straw to make her leave.   Some people feel relieved when an affair is finally found out, because that just makes it easier to leave and that's what I was afraid of.   Always remember though that you deserve better than what you're getting from your partner, and you deserve the truth, no matter how much it hurts.