12 Years A Slave

I saw this movie over the weekend.   The movie was really tough to watch during certain scenes, but I would wholeheartedly recommend that everyone sees the movie, as it truly illustrates the cruelty and horror of slavery.

After I left the movie, the one thought that stayed with me during the movie was just how much some of my ancestors truly had to endure and overcome.  It's kind of coincidental that I'd also been researching my own family history on ancestry.com, and was able to go back as far as 1820.  It's a strange thing to be able to look up a relative who more than likely was born into slavery.

I was left with a sense that I owe it to my deceased relatives and other slaves to actually make something of myself.  If a slave can be motivated enough to risk his life by teaching himself how to read, there's seriously NO excuse for why I haven't finished my college degree or why I'm stuck in a job I can't stand.   People have been jailed, had water hoses and dogs turned on them, and/or have died for me to have the right to vote, yet I haven't voted since the last presidential election.

It's amazing how we take so many things for granted because we didn't have to do anything to earn it.  I would often hear my dad and uncles talk about how they would make sure they walked in groups to avoid being singled out and attacked, yet I'm able to walk around by myself without a care in the world.  I think of Emmit Till who was beaten and shot to death for whistling at a white woman, and yet my wife and I can walk around holding hands as an interracial couple without much thought.

I think it's time I stop taking things for granted and truly appreciate all of the opportunities that have been afforded to me through the struggle of others.  

The Power of Negativity

So I was reading a book the other day and the author made a pretty interesting point about negativity.    He states that if you have negativity and resentment in your life, then you can't really expect to have a positive life.  He also said you need to forgive people who have wronged you in the past.    Forgiving doesn't mean you forget what they did, but it simply means you have learned from it and you are truly ready to move on.

If you're still angry and bitter over what someone has done to you, then not only has that person affected your past, you're still allowing them to affect your present, and that person probably isn't thinking twice about you.   You're still angry and bitter, and that person has moved on with their life.

This hit home for me because one of the guys my wife cheated on me with is still friends with a mutual friend of ours.    Every time I see his grinning face on Facebook, I want to grab a pipe and knock all his teeth down his throat.  But really, he doesn't give a shit about any chaos he may have caused...he's just going on with his life.   Most people don't mean to consciously hurt you on purpose, they are thinking only of their wants at the time, and aren't thinking of the ramifications of their actions.   If there's someone out there who made a conscious and deliberate effort to hurt you, they aren't worth your thoughts anyway.

I also had to do some deep thinking about my wife.  I said I've forgiven her, but did I really?    There were still moments where I felt like I was "entitled" to something because of her cheating, and there were still times where I would wonder why other people could control themselves but she couldn't?  There were times where I would go through her cellphone/email and lash out at anything I thought to be suspicious.     I realized that all I was doing was reliving the pain and anger all over again, and for what?   There is NOTHING positive that can come from constantly holding on to negativity.    

The first thing I did was to look my wife in the eye and tell her that I truly forgive her.   The second thing I did was to write the guy my wife cheated on me with and tell him that I forgive him.    Now I don't want to be his friend, and I really don't want anything to do with him because he still refuses to admit what happened.   Writing him was not for his benefit, but it was for mine.   It was not an easy thing to do, and I was admittedly gritting my teeth the whole time.    I have to admit though I felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders.   I didn't realize just how much negativity I was holding on to and it felt good to let it go.


   

Told You So

Remember that couple that we stopped being friends with because I tried to tell the husband what his wife was up to?   Looks like the wife has been going around running her mouth to our former swingers' circle about how we're all about drama, and they don't associate with us anymore because they "don't do drama".   You would think people that don't like drama wouldn't be going around trying to make us look bad to all of our friends like we're back in high school.   Some people are just childish like that, and like to be the center of attention.

So I was texting the other day with this single guy swinger that I'm still cool with.  He was telling me how his birthday was coming up in a few days, and he's trying to find some booty to hook up with.   I mentioned the name of the single woman that helped give me a threesome, since I know she likes him a lot.     He went on about how he contacted her already and she's trying to set something up for him.    He was reminiscing about the last time he was with her.   He said he got a hotel room and she made him cum 3 times and still wanted more.    He also said she was trying to arrange a threesome for his birthday.

Come to find out he had his females confused.   He wasn't talking about the single female that gave us the threesome, he was talking about the female from that couple we are no longer friends with.  What's funny about that is when we were swinging with them, the guy would hardly even let her play with single males at a party.   He always gave single males a hard time and was very cautious about it.  Even up until just a few months ago he still hadn't given her a threesome with another guy.  Even when we were having sex with them, if I made his wife moan extra loud or something he would always look up to see what I was doing.  I think part of his paranoia about single guys was because his wife had a 2 year long affair with someone before they started swinging.  He also wouldn't allow his wife to play with guys who have a bigger dick than he does.

So you can imagine my surprise to find out this single guy hooked up with his wife.  I asked him if the husband knew, and he said yes....that he knew all about it.    Sorry, but my Spidey Sense is tingling on this one.   I find it very hard to believe that this guy who was so paranoid about single guys has done a complete 180 and now allows her to play with single guys by herself, and then to let her plan on giving another guy a threesome.  Also throw in the fact that this single guy is 13 years younger and has a 9 inch dick, and her husband didn't want her playing with guys larger than he is.   I'd almost be willing to bet any amount of money that she's doing exactly what I told him to watch out for, and she's cheating on him.   If I've learned anything from being in the lifestyle it's that most single guys who swing are loyal only to their dicks, so it would be no sweat for this guy to lie about the husband knowing about the hotel.   Also, the husband saw first hand what happened to our relationship with all the single guys so I'm just not buying it.

I honestly think his wife is a sex addict.   She literally will have sex with ANYBODY at a party, no matter how they look.   She said the reason she had an affair before is that her husband is normally boring in bed.  It was after the affair was discovered that she let him know she was a swinger before they started dating.  In the beginning, she would always find females to give him a threesome or they would only play with couples.   I kept wondering why he never returned the favor and gave her a threesome, and that's when I was told about the affair.   All the threesomes were a way to make up for what she did, but in reality it was so she eventually could fuck other guys again.   Very smart on her part, and her plan worked like a charm.  I'll give her that.

Oh well...I tried warning him.   Also there are a few other people in our circle who suspect the same thing I do, so it's not like I'm alone in my thinking.  Who knows though, maybe he's lightened up and they've started doing hallpasses.   If I were a betting man though, I'd say she's still up to no good.

What The Hell Is He Thinking???

So I was chatting with my coworker who's wife left him stranded on their vacation and also had him thrown in jail.   A couple of weeks ago she also had him served with divorce papers.    He moved out of their house, and he is now currently living with his parents.

He was telling me that he told his soon to be ex-wife that he wanted to be there to watch Monday night football tonight.    In their house he has a 90" projector screen so he wants to watch the game on it.   She said that it's his house too, and of course he can come over anytime he wants.   He said that he thinks she may be realizing what she did was wrong, and there may be a chance for reconciliation.

What.  The.  Hell.

This woman had him thrown in jail, and then changed the plane tickets so that she could fly back home that same night, and she also took the rental car back.   When he got out of jail, he was completely stranded and had to call his parents for help.    Then she serves him with divorce papers a week later, plus he has to fly back to California for his court date, and he's thinking of taking her back???

I mean I guess I'm not one to talk since I took my wife back after she cheated on me, but I just don't think I could take somebody back who had me thrown in jail and left me stranded like that.    To each their own I guess, but I think he's making a big mistake.    This isn't the first time she's lost her temper either, as there have been multiple times where they have started arguing and yelling in public.  They have no kids together so it should be a clean and easy break.

I'm all for couples working things out.....but it just seems like they are avoiding the inevitable......

Heathens and Wildlings

So a few weekends ago one of our swinger friends wanted to celebrate her birthday at a hotel bar.   She invited a lot of people to come, but it ended up being just us and one other swinger couple.  There was the couple that we used to be friends with that got invited too, but they told her at the last minute they wouldn't be able to go.  I'm betting they backed out because they knew we would be there, which is really childish if you think about it.    The night was supposed to be about our friend's birthday so they should have come anyway.   This is the same swinger friend of ours who's husband left her after 20 years of marriage, so they should have come out to support her.

So we celebrated at a hotel bar that's a well-known swinger hangout.  We didn't know the other couple that attended, but one thing about swingers is that they are usually friendly and will talk to anyone, plus they always have interesting stories to tell.    It was fun listening to them talk about the first time they met our friend, and the husband's fascination with titties.

Afterwards my wife told me that she really thought hard about having a threesome with our friend since it was her birthday, but she just couldn't do it.    She said while we were both swinging, she noticed that as time went on she started losing her jealousy over me and that seemed to coincide with her starting to loose interest in me.   She said she feels like the healthy type of jealousy is back for her, and she would just feel a little too jealous watching me have sex with another woman.   Of course, she always tells me this stuff AFTER the fact when the opportunity is gone.   Our friend is extremely bisexual (borderline lesbian) and she has always wanted to hook up with the wife and I, so I'm sure if she had known my wife was considering it, she would've put the full course press on my wife.

Here's what I honestly think about the situation.  I've told my wife plenty of times recently that I feel like giving me a threesome would make up a little bit for everything that happened while we were swinging, but she tells me I won't be getting another one.   It's not so much that I desire another woman, but I think it's the fact the she pretty much did what she wanted while we were swinging, and didn't really make much of an effort to get a threesome for me.  I know.  My rationale is crazy, I'll admit.   Here's what I really think is going on and why she didn't want to go through with the threesome.

 I think if it's a sexual situation where I might get more enjoyment out of something than she will, then my wife doesn't really want to participate.   But lets say for example if our bisexual friend was dating somebody my wife found attractive, I'd almost be willing to bet a month's salary that my wife probably would've wanted to have sex with them, because she would've found more benefit from it than a threesome.   When I was giving my wife threesomes with guys, yes I was hoping it would make her want to repay the favor and find some women for us, but it was also great to see her happy and super satisfied.  

My wife unfortunately just isn't wired the same way, and I think this is one area of her life where she is a bit selfish.   Not necessarily saying this is a bad thing because my wife isn't normally a selfish person at all.   I think we all have certain things we are selfish about, and it looks like I've found what my wife is selfish about, due to everything that happened while we were swinging.

So even though our "official" stance is that if something "just happens" with a woman or a couple, that would be okay, more than likely nothing will "just happen" with a woman, only couples.   I don't really think I would be okay with that happening though, because at the end of the day I don't really feel comfortable with her getting to have sex with another man when my desires aren't being taken into consideration.   It's probably best we just drop the whole possibility of swinging ever again, although I'd love to take another trip to Hedonism this summer.   Decisions, Decisions......

Negativity Is Just Your Ego Protecting Itself

It's so funny that I have this blog that's centered around getting rid of all your Nice Guy tendencies.   Because of this, I've gotten more into the metaphysical as you will, with reading more things centered around the Law of Attraction, and other positing thinking methods.

I recently started reading a book called A Bug Free Mind, and in it the author states that each hour of your day, you should take at least 15 continuous seconds and focus on a happy or positive thought.    The key behind this thinking is that at some age when we are kids, we start to have more and more negative thoughts.  More and more self-doubt starts to creep in until we really are no longer in control of our minds anymore.   Think back if you can to when you were a really young kid.    When you told people you wanted to be an astronaut, a policeman, an actress, or a fireman....was there any doubt in your mind at all?    You honestly believed at that age that you could be whatever you wanted to be.  It isn't until we get older and people (parents, teachers, older siblings, etc) start putting doubts in our head that we start to become negative thinkers.  Taking those 15 second breaks is the first step to regaining control over your thought process.

The author of that book also talks about the only way we can really have the life we want is to start getting rid of those negative thoughts.     It's quite the coincidence that today during lunch, this guy who normally is pretty shy sat down at our table.    Now this guy used to be pretty anti-social and would keep to himself, but he was a regular Chatty Kathy today.    See about a year ago when he was here, he developed a brain tumor which required surgery and rehab, and he was away from work for about 8 months.  

 In talking with him, he said that after the surgery on his brain he literally lost about 4 years of memory.  He's currently only 26 years old, and he remembers when he was 25 but then there is a gap and he doesn't remember much of anything from ages 21-25.    He said what's really strange is his fiance ( they met in their 20's) said that he's way more outgoing now than he used to be.   He said to him that just sounds crazy because he loves hosting parties and loves being around people.   Myself and a few other co-workers also confirmed that he used to be anti-social.

So at some point, this person who was very social allowed certain events that happened in his life to turn him into your average, self-doubting, anti-social Nice Guy.    It got me thinking, because in high school I was voted best personality and I was nowhere near as afraid of failure as I am now.   What events happened in my life to turn me into the person I am today?     If someone told you back when you were in high school that your life would be like this, would you have believed them?    I sure as hell wouldn't have.     Some of you may have been voted "Smartest" or "Most Likely to Succeed" back in high school.    So what happened in your life to steer you off track?   What has happened to make you doubt yourself?

No matter how old you are, it's never too late to get back on track and live the life you were meant to live.

263.2 - The Tipping Point

263.2 fucking pounds.

At the age of 37, I am literally the heaviest I've ever weighed in my entire life.  

I am 5 foot 9, and I weigh 263.2 pounds.    My only saving grace at this point is that I do have a tiny bit of muscle mass so I don't look like a complete lard ass, but this is downright pathetic.   I have to be brutally honest here.   Looking at myself in the mirror lately, it's honestly no wonder my wife starting being more interested in other men while we were swinging, and it's no wonder we had such a hard time finding single women to play with us.   I know all of that sounds incredibly harsh, but sometimes the truth is like shining a bright light at someone who's been in complete darkness for months.  Yes it hurts, but it's necessary.

I've always been on the chubby side.   Even when I left the army and was in the best shape of my life I weighed about 210 lbs.    Even when I'm at 235 I can still at least run 3 miles on the treadmill, but at over 260 lbs today, there is just no damn excuse.   One of my first blogs on here was me talking about how working out was the single, most important thing a recovering Nice Guy can do, and I obviously haven't been taking my own advice.   Know what else really sucks about gaining weight as a guy?   I swear that my dick has shrunk at least 1/2 an inch.   I've heard stories about how if a guy loses more than 20 lbs his dick can appear bigger, and I never believed it until now....LOL.   I told you I was gonna keep it real with my blog.  Seems like all this extra fat is making my dick look smaller.  I guess that's why you don't see too many fat guys doing porno.

Lately I've been studying the "Law of Attraction" and have been trying to incorporate some of the principles into my own life.  It hasn't been easy, as most recovering Nice Guys like myself are used to self-doubt all the time.   The old saying of  "We are what we think about" seems to be the main point here.   It does seem to work in some regard though, as the most successful people are usually the ones who are positive thinkers.

One of the main tenets of the Law of Attraction is to act like you've already achieved what you desire.   So that means you need to imagine how it would feel to truly reach your goal.   What would your emotions be like?  How would you dress?   What kind of house would you have?    Most people have trouble with this because we are so used to thinking about the things we want not happening.  A key example of this for me would be how badly I wanted a threesome while we were swinging, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking we were never going to get it.   It's like walking into a dealership to buy a car, but then thinking that you aren't going to get one.

I had a major breakthrough last night though.   I was lying in bed half dozing off and I started imagining what my life would be like if I was 60 lbs lighter.    I pictured myself walking around in better-looking clothes, and walking around smiling because I'd be much more upbeat and full of energy.  I didn't just picture myself doing this, this time I actually felt like it was happening to me in real life.  I also envisioned myself having much more confidence, and having a higher paying job because of that confidence.   I felt what it was like to have a flat stomach and a buff chest.   I actually felt how it would feel to have women checking me out as I walk by.

I kinda snapped out of my daydream, but I still had all of the good feelings that I associated with losing 60 lbs.  It was really kind of strange, but I know in my mind now that getting in shapes is no longer something that I HOPE to do.   It's something that I AM going to do, and I WILL lose this weight.  Even in my head right now I'm picturing all of our swinger female friends asking my wife if they can have one last turn with me...LOL.   This should be fun........