There was time after everything came out where I was angry. We were still friends with swingers we used to hang out with, and I would still hear about their exploits and the good times they were having. I would sit back and wonder how come other couples were able to make it work. How come MY wife had to be the one who couldn't control herself when it came to swinging? How come swinging wasn't enough for her, why did she have to hook up with guys behind my back? How come other couples are able to swing with no problems?
So I had to sit back and really think about things. When the truth slowly started to come out, I had to take a hard look at my wife. In hindsight, honestly if I didn't know any better I would have assumed she was literally on drugs with the way she was behaving. At the point where she was thinking of leaving me, I suspected there was a certain guy she was interested in. I didn't know at the time that they had already hooked up sexually, but I sent him a text that said "It's not gonna work." There was no response from him, but my wife came home and was furious with me. She said she can talk to whoever she wants, and if she wants she'll go and get a prepaid phone just so I can't see who she's contacting. As she was talking, I remember thinking to myself, "Who in the hell is this person I married?". My wife at this point was a completely different person, and I didn't even recognize who she was anymore. Even she didn't like who she was becoming.
So when I say that my wife behaved as if she was on drugs, that's exactly what it was. She was intoxicated and sucked in by the swinging lifestyle, enjoyed all the attention she received from men, and hooked on the dopamine and oxytocin it provided. At some level, her cheating was almost no different than people who are hooked on drugs that steal from you. They KNOW they are doing the wrong thing, but the payoff (sex, being high) is too appealing for them to stop.
I almost have to look at it as if she was someone addicted to alcohol or another drug. Would I be upset if I couldn't bring alcohol into the house or we couldn't go to a bar because of her alcohol problem? Would I get mad hearing stories about other people having a good time out drinking? Of course I wouldn't, because I wouldn't want to expose a recovering alcoholic to that kind of environment, and looking at it in that way helps me to really understand what was going on. Some people can handle alcohol just fine, some couples can handle swinging just fine. Life isn't "one size fits all" and what works for others doesn't work for some.
As a side note, months later I also started to realize that some of those couples we thought were doing just fine end up having more sex with others than they do with each other, or they are just using swinging to hide the problems in their relationship. Just like alcohol, swinging only works in moderation.
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