Be Careful Who You Settle Down With

This week I was wondering what I would write about....life works in mysterious ways I guess.

My co-worker just came back from a week-long vacation in California.    I asked him how his vacation was.
He said it was shitty.   I was thinking how can a vacation in Cali be shitty?    Maybe it rained all week?

He said his wife had him thrown in jail.   I looked at him with a grin on my face, thinking he was playing but he just looked back at me with a deadpan stare.   Even then I still thought he was joking until he told me what happened.  

Basically they were both drinking in the hotel room and started arguing.   The argument got so loud that someone in another room called the cops.    He didn't touch her in anyway, but she had him arrested for "non-aggressive domestic disturbance".    No, I'm not making it up either.    Apparently California has some very "aggressive" domestic abuse laws.     So even though they were both intoxicated, both yelling at each other, he got taken to jail.

Oh but it gets better.   While he was in jail, she left California and left him stranded down there by himself.   He said he is filing for divorce this week and their house is going on the market.   Luckily for him they've only been married for about 2 years, and this is a no-fault state so no alimony will be paid.   It's also a good thing they don't have any kids, so it's a clean break except for the house.

I'd heard from a few other co-workers that she had a bit of a temper, but damn.   See fellas this is why one of the main tenets of the Commandments of Poon is to ignore her beauty.   She's a very good-looking Latina woman, but I've heard through the grapevine on more than a few occasions that they've had some pretty bad arguments, and this was before they even got married.   One question you need to ask yourself regarding women is:   If she wasn't so attractive, would I still put up with her?

Another Commandment of Poon that was broken in this case was Rule 15:  Maintain Your State Control.
Particularly the part that states "She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you."   I understand it's hard to think about this in the heat of the moment, but you need to try and keep calm and collected.    Don't make a habit of getting into a shouting match with your woman, because it usually doesn't end well.   That same woman who was spitting fire and raining down curse words at you will turn into a helpless, crying victim when the cops are called.  

Ever watch the soap opera "Young and the Restless" with Victor Newman?   I know, I know...we're men...we don't watch soap operas but just hear me out.   The main reason Victor is such a bad ass is because he always seems to be in control of himself.    He doesn't make any impulsive decisions and when others are pissed at him and start yelling, he just sits back with his arms folded and calmly tells them how it's going to be, whether they like it or not.    Save your shouting matches for when she REALLY fucks up, but otherwise "maintain your state control".

Moral of the story here boys, is be careful who you marry or enter into a long-term relationship with it.    If she starts showing her true colors and turns psycho, possessive, or any other intolerable traits, IGNORE HER BEAUTY and decide if it's something you want to put up with for the rest of your life.

Choose wisely.
      
          

Knock Her Off the Pedastal

So a longtime female friend of mine was telling me about this extremely good-looking guy in one of her classes, and how she gets super nervous around him.  Now my friend happens to be an attractive woman who gets lots of attention from guys, so its kind of ironic that she would get so nervous being around someone.

So many guys out there (and some women) put the person they are interested on a pedestal, and that's one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make.     Always remember the popular phrase of no matter how good-looking she is, there's a guy out there who is tired of putting up with her shit.   Guys out there get so caught up in how a woman looks that they don't realize she's a regular human being just like you are.

This same woman who you puts you in a mesmerizing trance every time you see her has just as many faults as you do, if not more.   That same woman farts just the way you do.  That same woman might get insanely drunk every weekend and puke on herself.   She could have piss poor credit, or be a deadbeat mom.    That same woman digs in her nose while she's driving her car.   That same woman can take a dump in the bathroom so foul-smelling it will make your eyes water.    Never put women an unapproachable pedestal, because at the end of the day she's really no different than the other women out there.  This circles back to Rule 10 of the Poon Commandments:  Ignore Her Beauty.

I gave my friend this exact same speech concerning her good-looking classmate, and the next day she sent me a text saying she actually had her first conversation with the guy.   Kudos to her for taking him off the pedestal she put him on.   Stop thinking that you aren't worthy of approaching someone just because they look a certain way.  What you're really doing when you put someone on a pedestal is you're telling yourself that you aren't good enough for them.

You're better than that.    If you don't value and love yourself as a person, don't expect anyone else to.

Hello There Neighbor

So I've always been a bit of a private person.   I usually prefer to have just a few really good friends and have everybody else be associates.    Being introverted is one of the things about myself that I've been trying to change for years, and I do recognize that it's good to have a bigger network of friends for social purposes, and it also helps for career purposes as well.    

One of the problems with finding friends is that the people we like to have over to our house MUST be open-minded and we must feel comfortable being ourselves around them.    Since we used to be swingers, it's not strange that we might have a cookout and a woman or two may flash their tits.   Or sometimes someone may want to smoke some weed.   Also if I'm in my own home drinking and it's a party, I'm likely to get drunk.   Not exactly something that everybody is accustomed to, and my wife and I certainly don't want to be getting drunk around people that are too "stuffy".

So in the spirit of trying to broaden my horizons and push myself out of my comfort zone, our neighborhood has a Facebook page and we decided to join.   From reading some of the posts in that group......we have some nosy ass neighbors.   I mean seriously one of them has a police scanner and sits around listening to it all day.   Then there were posts because a police car showed up to someone's house, and all the neighbors on the Facebook page were asking if anybody knew what it was about.   Seriously people?  When we had our daughters living with us, we had the cops show up twice because they got in fights (My wife and I weren't home either time) so I can only imagine what they think about us.  

I'm all about being cool with the neighbors, but something tells me I don't want any of these people in my business like that..  The neighbor that started the Facebook, of COURSE they are on the HOA board for our neighborhood, and of COURSE their kids are home-schooled.  I'm happy as hell we don't live beside them.    At our swinger parties this one female was always sooooo loud I would end up having to close the windows in our house.   I guarantee you they probably would've called the cops on us.   I can just imagine me telling the cops "No officer really, no one is being murdered.....she's just really loud when she has an orgasm".....

I'm halfway tempted to tell everybody on the Facebook page that we used to be swingers to gauge their reactions.   The ones that act shocked and appalled, we know to avoid those people.    Then perhaps we'll know the other ones are cool enough to invite over for drinks with our other friends.

The Aftermath of Swinging

There was time after everything came out where I was angry.   We were still friends with swingers we used to hang out with, and I would still hear about their exploits and the good times they were having.  I would sit back and wonder how come other couples were able to make it work.   How come MY wife had to be the one who couldn't control herself when it came to swinging?  How come swinging wasn't enough for her, why did she have to hook up with guys behind my back?  How come other couples are able to swing with no problems?

So I had to sit back and really think about things.   When the truth slowly started to come out, I had to take a hard look at my wife.   In hindsight, honestly if I didn't know any better I would have assumed she was literally on drugs with the way she was behaving.   At the point where she was thinking of leaving me, I suspected there was a certain guy she was interested in.   I didn't know at the time that they had already hooked up sexually, but I sent him a text that said "It's not gonna work."     There was no response from him, but my wife came home and was furious with me.     She said she can talk to whoever she wants, and if she wants she'll go and get a prepaid phone just so I can't see who she's contacting.  As she was talking, I remember thinking to myself, "Who in the hell is this person I married?".  My wife at this point was a completely different person, and I didn't even recognize who she was anymore.  Even she didn't like who she was becoming.

So when I say that my wife behaved as if she was on drugs, that's exactly what it was.   She was intoxicated and sucked in by the swinging lifestyle, enjoyed all the attention she received from men, and hooked on the dopamine and oxytocin it provided.   At some level, her cheating was almost no different than people who are hooked on drugs that steal from you.   They KNOW they are doing the wrong thing, but the payoff (sex, being high) is too appealing for them to stop.

I almost have to look at it as if she was someone addicted to alcohol or another drug.  Would I be upset if I couldn't bring alcohol into the house or we couldn't go to a bar because of her alcohol problem?   Would I get mad hearing stories about other people having a good time out drinking?    Of course I wouldn't, because I wouldn't want to expose a recovering alcoholic to that kind of environment, and looking at it in that way helps me to really understand what was going on.    Some people can handle alcohol just fine, some couples can handle swinging just fine.    Life isn't "one size fits all" and what works for others doesn't work for some.

As a side note, months later I also started to realize that some of those couples we thought were doing just fine end up having more sex with others than they do with each other, or they are just using swinging to hide the problems in their relationship.  Just like alcohol, swinging only works in moderation.  

Winter Is Coming

So you've caught your woman doing something wrong.   Maybe you caught her sending inappropriate texts to a co-worker or male friend, or worse you've caught her cheating.   You've confronted her on the issue, she's sorry, you've forgiven her and you two are going to move forward.   Guess what's going to happen next in a few days or weeks?

Wait for it.....

Wait for it....

What's going to happen next is that after you've forgiven her, she is going to try and search for something that YOU did wrong so she can call you out on it.  People don't like for the spotlight to be on themselves if they've done something wrong, so it makes them feel better if somebody else has done something wrong too.  It's human nature to do this, and I can admit I've done it too.  This is why if you confront a cheater, sometimes the first thing they will do is start pointing out things that YOU did wrong.  If they're clever enough, they may even try to convince you that them cheating is YOUR fault.

Your woman digging for dirt also serves another purpose.  If you're the typical Nice Guy who pretty much just goes with the flow and usually lets your woman make most of the decisions about things, the discovery of whatever she did wrong causes a subtle power shift in the relationship.   When your partner or spouse does something wrong, they know that they can't make unusual demands of you anymore, or behave in the same manner they are used to because they are trying to get back on your good side.  

Women and society are so used to men being the ones that mess up, and women particularly don't seem to handle things too well when they're the ones that have to kiss ass to get back in your good graces.    Women who are used to having most of the power in their relationship HATE that they're no longer in control because of the power shift, so they seek to regain control by finding something they can chew you out over.   This is all so you can go back to your normal "puppy on a leash" routine of letting her lead you around.  Like Chris Rock said, nothing makes your woman happier than you doing something wrong so she can yell at you like a little kid.

When this happens guys, remember Law 15 of the 16 Commandments of Poon.

XV.   Maintain Your State Control

You are an oak tree.  You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips.   She will rain thunder all around you, and you will shelter her until her storm passes.  She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you.  When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

So now you know what's coming, and it's your job to not be swayed by the mind game she's going to play.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Apparently I should have been wearing a bulletproof vest this weekend.

So like some of you know from previous blogs, we used to be swingers.   There was a couple that lives not even 10 mins from us that we used to have sex with regularly.   We'll just call the guy John, and the female Jane.  We thought we could be very good friends with this couple, and John was actually the one who eventually told me my wife had cheated on me.    He also was a good enough friend to go through his Jane's phone and let me know that my suspicions about my wife and a certain guy were correct.  He also let me know that there was one day my wife called in sick for work and she was supposed to drive up and see this particular guy, but it didn't work out.  What he didn't know at the time though, was that Jane
was going to ride along with my wife to go see this guy as well, so they would've ended up giving the guy a threesome.

I found all of this out when I took John out for drinks one happy hour.   During that happy hour, John also discussed how years ago Jane had an affair that lasted a few months, and for that reason he really doesn't trust her 100%.   I felt like I owe John a tremendous amount of gratitude for not only letting me know what was going on, but he basically saved my marriage.  So now the background of the story has been laid.....

Because of Jane's affair on John, most of their swinging consists of them playing with other women and couples.    Lately they've been getting more lax on the rules, and she can now play with single guys when they are at a house or hotel party.   Jane wants to have more freedom though so, so she has been bending rules a little bit to try and accomplish that.   Like at a cookout we had, she and John took a female upstairs to one of our bedrooms, and then Jane left the room to let John play solo.    Also they went to a sex club and one of John's co-workers happened to be there.   Jane let John have sex with his co-worker, and also told the co-worker that she and John can hookup whenever they wanted, she just has to know about it.    My wife told Jane this was a bad idea since most people spend more time around their co-workers than they do at home, and it could potentially lead to an affair.    Jane said she was doing all this to get "more freedom" to do what she wants.   She also told my wife not to tell me.

The thing about Jane and John is that once we stopped swinging, our "friendship" with them was pretty much over.   We do have get-togethers every now and then, but they are semi-vanilla.   What we mean by that is we make sure that people we have at our house are very open-minded, because someone may flash their tits after drinking, including my wife.    Also if people want to go to one of our bedrooms and fool around, they can do so, we just won't be participating.   We've had John and Jane over twice since we stopped swinging.  The first time we had them over, Jane spent most of the night trying to convince my wife to get sexual.  Then after Jane got drunk and passed out, John then proceeded to try and convince my wife that we should still swing.  Of course they didn't have any luck.  John and Jane were always telling us they would invite us over the next time they had a cookout, but of course they never did.   We only found out they had a big bbq by looking at the Facebook pictures.    We've paid for dinner for them before, and my wife has even treated Jane to an out of town concert and a hotel room.    None of that nice treatment has ever been returned, plus when we stopped swinging we noticed that we stopped hearing from them as much, so we kinda figured out that they only want to come around us if sex is involved, so they weren't really our friends to begin with.

So like I said, I felt like I owed John a lot for helping to save my marriage.    For about two weeks I wondered if I should tell him what Jane was really up to as far as her motives.   What John also doesn't know is that Jane's affair actually went on for two years, not just a few months like he was told.    The reason I never said anything to him about that is because they've already worked past their issues on that, so I felt like there was no reason to dig up an old wound.

So this weekend I finally told John to not fall for the trap of Jane saying that it's okay for him to hook up with females when he wants, because she is only doing it to gain more freedom.  Really I was only telling him to give him a heads up on what was going on and to keep his eyes open.    After I told him, I didn't hear back from him for a couple of hours, so I already knew what was gonna happen.

As expected, a few hours later I get a text from Jane telling me to stop spreading lies and accusations, and she is tired of me putting doubts in John's head about everything.   (Yeah Jane, I think the affair you had is what's creating most of his doubts, but let's not take any accountability here....)   She also said our "friendship" was over because we are full of drama, and we need to lose their numbers.   Now I'd already deleted her number 2 weeks ago since I figured we weren't friends anyway.  Now just the fact that she got SO upset is a dead giveaway that she's up to no good.   Honestly, the only reason she was so mad is because I messed up her plans.    

I sent John a text and said that I will delete their numbers, but I was just trying to look out for him like he did for me.    Basically he said my wife isn't a trustworthy source of information, and that I shouldn't be making accusations that will lead to problems in their relationship.   He also said he trusts Jane, which is laughable because just a few months ago he said he didn't fully trust her.    What's funny is that if you took a poll of our swinger friends and asked who would be the first woman to have an affair, everyone would point to Jane.  If I had to guess, Jane was probably standing right beside him as he sent me the text, and she probably threatened to cut off the swinging.   I know the routine, my wife would threaten the same thing when I started being suspicious of things.  

The mistake John made is that he confronted Jane right away which was a big no no.  What he SHOULD have done is taken the information I gave him, and then started paying close attention to what was going on.  He also could have asked a few other people, as its not like she has only told my wife this information.   Like I said, I struggled with telling him in the first place.    Each person has to learn things on their own journey I guess is the lesson.   I'd almost be willing to bet a week's salary though that shit will blow up in their faces a few months from now, and at least I can feel good that I actually tried to warn him.  That's the difference between real and fake friends though.   A real friend will tell you what you NEED to hear, regardless if you like it or not.