When rules are "lifted" it creates more opportunities for increased pleasure with others. Which in turn creates more opportunities for your marriage to fail.
Pleasure takes over, after all that is the reason to begin in the lifestyle. The excitement of being with someone new, the flattering, and increase in self esteem. These are the reasons I continued to swing. That heart pounding excitement of kissing and touching someone for the first time. The excitement of knowing other men were wanting me as I kissed, touched, and played with other women. That rush took over. Before I knew it,
I was so wrapped up in what I wanted, that I began to break the one rule we had left in place. We couldn't meet anyone alone without first talking to each other and both of us agreeing, and we could not have sexual contact when we met alone. He was faithful in keeping that rule in place, I was the
one who broke the rule. And in my mind, it was easy to justify my actions; I simply reminded myself that he wanted this lifestyle.
The more you get the more you want; the more you become like a drug addict. The
attention I was receiving from other men was like a drug for me. I lost sight of my husband and began to take him for granted. I focused on how to please these other men. Allowing my attention, desire, and sexual pleasure to be given to them. The more hall passes we had, the more I wanted. The only free time we had as a couple turned out to be swinging with others; not time alone to reinforce our marriage. I was no longer feeling jealous and found myself encouraging him to have other women. He always complained after
our house parties that I always have more fun. This made me angry. I was not his mommy, I was his wife. If he didn't have fun it was his problem. Yet he was always checking on me to make sure I was having fun. I did not see at the time how selfish and all consumed I had become. I kept thinking the more that he was being sexually satisfied by other women, the more time I could spend with other men.
Well, there was one man in particular which soon became two men. They had my full attention. I continued to tell myself that they were the "safe" one's as they both lived a few hours away. I mean how much trouble can you get into with that distance? The answer...A LOT!!! I spent time texting, emailing, and discussing my feelings, their feelings, what we wanted, and built one another up in each conversation to feed the ego. One night I realized that my husband and I were sitting next to each other, not talking, or touching; only texting other people. I pointed it out and my husband stopped the evening texting and I only slowed mine down. He noticed the change, he had to have; because
shortly after that he began going through my emails and phone. I played it down, after all everyone in the lifestyle is sexting each other. It is all part of the "game" to keep the attention of those you enjoyed sex with.
So who were these
men who caught my attention and how? The first man, Darrell was short lived. We met at our house party. He brought a lady friend since single men had to bring a female (it was my husbands birthday). I drank and drank and then was taken upstairs by one of our guests, who was not of my liking in the bedroom; so shortly after we were in the room, peaking through the door was Darrell. I motioned him to come in, pulled him down on the bed and whispered "thank you for coming in, please stay and save me". When the guest Ron walked out and saw Darrell taking off his pants, he left with a few angry comments. Darrell came back for more and more of me. Singling me out just enough that I was "impressed" at the attention as there were several women there. Now granted he was with other women and me with other men. I was in the bedroom all night with men coming in, joining in, then taking over. But Darrell came back for more. He said things that I would not expect from a swingers party (e.g. We have a connection that goes beyond sex. If you were mine, I would never let another man touch you only the bitches, etc.) all while looking in my eye and following with a passionate kiss.
I know that was all BS....but at the time, it caught my attention. After that I convinced my husband to do a hall pass, which in my mind meant going on a day long date and having incredible sex; but then ending with my husband. The hallpasses extended to overnight and mine were all shared with Darrell at this point. My husband changed between a couple of ladies. The hallpasses seemed "too far away". So Darrell and I made plans to meet in private. I was going to take off work and meet him in a hotel. Something inside of me would not allow me to follow through. The next time we saw each other was at a house party. Once he found out I had already been with another guest at the party he became angry. He left after a short time and I went about my night; after all I was not married to him. Later he explained the reason he was so angry was because I was to be with him first and last at each party. He was acting as if I was his woman. At this point I realized that I had allowed this to happen. The exact thing I was worried about a single female pulling with my husband...was happening with me. I knew I loved my husband and would not give him up for this man. I knew in my heart,
my marriage was in trouble; but did not want to admit to it....I wanted to keep "playing".
The second man, Mark was the complete opposite of Darrell. He was not aggressive, he appeared shy, and rarely would start a conversation. His girlfriend Margret reminded me of my husband in the beginning. She was pushing him into trying something he was unsure about. She would text me and ask me to text him or send him naughty pictures. My husband appeared very interested in Margret. He talked with Margaret often trying to get us all together. Once Mark and I did start to talk it was awkward. He finally shared he was not sure how to do this and that this was all Margarets idea. So I started sharing my stories and how it has worked for me. I also shared I that I understood how he felt, as my husband was the one pushing for the swinging lifestyle too. We exchanged some pictures to show our face and body in one shot; just to know if we even want to meet up. We continued to talk a couple of times a week. It progressively increased until we were talking or texting every single day. We discussed our day, work, school, kids, parents, family and hardly ever talked about sex. We were building a mental and emotional bond.
He began to ignore his girlfriend Martha. He wouldn't follow through with sexual encounters she had arranged. She noticed he now locked his phone and didn't call her anymore. Once Margret expressed her concern to my husband, he began looking into our messages to see what
insight he could get and could give her. Mark and Margret split shortly after and as we continued to speak to them as individuals it continued to cause drama for us. The husband and I agreed to not talk to them any longer. Which we both broke. Mark and I had become quite close and had decided we wanted to continue to talk and we needed to meet in person. To have a face to face conversation. Before we were able to meet my husband and I had quite a disagreement and I pulled the plug on swinging. I was done with the drama, I was done with everything. Mark and I however, still wanted to meet and were still talking.
One Saturday right before I was to take a final, he text me that he was on his way to town to meet with some friends and talk about relocating. He wanted me to meet him downtown for a drink. This was the same night that my husband and I were to go to a house party; but
since we stopped swinging we did not go. My desire to see Mark overruled what my husband and I had discussed. I reached out to my co-worker Sue and asked her if she could meet me for a drink. I explained to her I was meeting one of our swinger friends. So after my final I only mentioned having a drink with my girlfriend/coworker, I did not mention that I was meeting Mark. Once he arrived, Sue left and Mark and I had a couple of drinks. He asked me to come along and meet his friends; but I knew I had to get back home and couldn't be out late. We went to his room so he could change. Well, one thing led to another and we had sex. Then we talked; which lasted longer than the sex did.
Weeks passed, we continued to talk, and he invited me to meet with him for a training he was having. I had started to feel guilty; but quickly would justify it in my mind with this being "my husband's fault". To help my conscience I had confessed to a
"friend" in the lifestyle we often played with. I chose her because we were close, saw each other often, and because she had shared that she had an affair on her husband for 2 years; so I thought she would get it and side with me. Shoot she not only sided with me; she wanted to join in with me. The day I was to meet Mark was weird. He called and needed to meet later; which wouldn't work for me as I had to be home like "normal". He then called and said to go ahead and come that he would leave early. I again had that feeling inside that did not allow me to go. What I did not know was that Margret had already told my husband about his training (as they were back together) and was expecting me to go see him. So my husband was prepared for me to come home late because of meeting up with Mark. But I did not go.
My "friend" had shared with her husband that I was "falling" for this guy. Well her husband Daron felt the need to
inform my husband about the time Mark and I did meet up. He believed I was going to leave my husband with nothing to be with Mark. Daron did not want my husband to be caught off guard. In all reality; I did not know what I wanted anymore. I wanted the life that I had dreamed of having with my husband. The life that Mark and I both discussed wanting. I just didn't believe my husband was able to give me that life. A happy marriage, filled with passion for only each other, that was secure, with trust and respect for one another. Those were the things I was missing in my marriage. Those were the things I allowed my lust and swinging to steal.
Finally with all this information
my husband confronted me. At first I panicked and lied as I had before. It finally reached the point I no longer wanted to lie and be the woman I had become. I wanted to be the woman I had been. I told my husband about situations where I broke rules that he had no idea about. I answered each question honestly, no matter how hard it was. Although I felt better, my husband was crushed. For the first time I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt horrible and was expecting him to leave me. We went to therapy together to work through our issue. We agreed that we wanted to save our marriage. By cutting off conversation with Mark, I was able to focus again on my marriage, on my life, and on what I wanted/needed in my life. At the end of the day all I really wanted was my husband. I didn't want to share. I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to
fight for or marriage and do whatever it took to make it work.
Regret is the biggest feeling I have had. Not because we chose to swing, but because I allowed myself to get out of control. I made it about me and my pleasure. It was no longer about
making him happy. I do not know if he really ever felt it was for him. I know he has shared how he has been "gypped", or feels like he is owed another threesome because of what happened. If I could "go back" and do it differently; I would not do it at all.
We started with rules, no on the mouth kisses, no sex alone or in different rooms, no singles, no anal, no pushing each other to be with someone we "aren't feeling". Before I knew it the only rule we had was no meeting up alone and having sex without prior discussion and agreement by both of us. And because I was so wrapped up in the lust and pleasure, I selected to do "whatever I want" and justified it in my mind to keep my conscience clear; or so I thought at the time.
As the saying goes "Hindsight is 20/20". Not everyone is capable of the lifestyle. I am one who is not. That does not mean I am a "prude" by any means. I enjoy sex, role playing and fantasy sex talk, I have no problem with
clothing optional beaches, resorts, and swingers clubs. I still enjoy watching and being watched. I enjoy seeing my husband feeling free and happy nude on the beach or pool and chatting with others. I had a misconception about these types of places. I believed it was just one big orgy with people touching you without your approval, just because you were there. Another misconception was that I believed single females would try to cause a problem and want to steal my husband. What I found was the single men were the one's playing the game trying to get a woman away from the husband as if she is a prize to be won. The single women thought like I did; and were not interested in anyone else's husband other than sex.
Misconception 3 - being friends with the couples we selected to swing with. I thought you could combine swinging with your normal life. Meet people we could hang out with, have to our home for normal activities, and vacation with. Most swingers are sex addicts who are only in it for the strange booty and nothing more. They may entertain you when they know it will end in sex, but once you stop swinging or no longer want to have sex with them, they drop off the face of the earth. At first it was upsetting. But what I realized is there are a select few who are true friends and respect our decision and are positive people to be around. Yet another misconception is believing that the swingers lifestyle is all fun. Granted there is a lot of fun; but with that does come drama. You are usually combining
alcohol, humans, and sex which equals some form of drama at some point from someone. I found there to be far more drama in the swingers lifestyle than outside the lifestyle.
So if you are contemplating joining the lifestyle consider all possible situations arising at some point. Always keep the door of communication open with your spouse. Always make special time for your spouse that does not involve the lifestyle. Make and stand by the rules/expectations. If you find yourself lowering your standards, changing your rules, not feeling
any jealousy when your spouse is enjoying another woman (remember jealousy can be positive too), or keeping little secrets; you are on the path of destruction. Recognize it and address it with your spouse, no one else. Keep your life private and separate. Of course you will talk to potential sex partners and get to know each other; but keep it to a minimum. Like I said there are a select few who will turn out to be a true friend. When swinging starts to feel like more work than fun; it is time to take a break. And the most important piece of advice I can give you is to keep yourself in check. Do not allow the passion/lust/desire to consume and change who you are. Do not lose yourself to the lifestyle. Do not live in a world of regret. Rather a world of "remember when" and being able to laugh as a couple.
