So in the last blog I talked about what to do when you have a nagging suspicion that something is going on in your relationship. So one of two things has happened. You found out your suspicions were completely wrong, and you feel like a jackass for going through her stuff. Or....you have gathered your evidence, found out that your suspicions were correct and now you have to deal with things. Here's is the first question you need to ask yourself:
Do you still want to be with her? Everyone's natural reaction to being cheated on is that they need to dump the person, because that's what society says you should do right? Most therapists will tell you that immediately seeking to end the marriage or relationship right off the bat is usually the biggest mistake you can make. Going through an infidelity is tough, but believe it or not your relationship can actually become stronger for having survived this crisis. Now if you've been putting up with a woman that has basically made your life miserable, or withholds sex (which is a double whammy because she's been giving that sex to someone else) you really need to decide if you do actually want her back. You may be better off just getting rid of her.
Here's a very important question to ask yourself. Is she genuinely a dishonest person, or was she dishonest because of the affair? The answer to this question should help you figure out if you want to continue a relationship with her.
Next comes the confrontation phrase. Whatever you do, don't confront her on the phone, this includes text messaging. This makes it way to easy for the person to hang up on you, or just stop responding and give themselves time to think up an excuse. Choose a time and a place that is free from distractions. Also, give yourself a little time to cool off. It's normal to want to come at the person with both guns blazing and let them have it, but don't immediately go on the attack or you might not get the truth.
Typical Reactions to confrontation:
1. Denial
2. Admission - whatever they admit to is NEVER all of the truth.
3. More Lying
4. Attacking and/or accusing you
Remember, ALL humans lie it's just in our nature. Don't think so? You don't lie huh? If you accidentally spilled some coffee on your boss's desk, and your boss came in an hour later screaming mad and said whoever did it would be fired, would you confess? Yeah, I thought not.
Pay special attention to Number 2. What she's going to admit will NOT be the whole truth. Often she's just trying to confess to whatever you have proof of. She's not going to confess everything because she's still trying to figure out what all you know. Sometimes you have pull out the FBI line of questioning to finally get to all of the truth. Now is not the time to fall for her tears either. Often she may try to redirect you by bringing up something you did in the past, or even worse try to bring up things YOU did that caused her to cheat. Don't fall for it....bottom line is she cheated because she wanted to. PERIOD.
One major mistake I made was not having the confrontation right when I suspected something was going on. Like I said before, I was just too scared of the confrontation. She had already made it be known that she was thinking of leaving, and I was so desperate to have her stay (which breaks the one of the major Commandments of Poon) that I wanted to avoid all conflict. For a month I lived like this, scared to make her upset out of fear that it would be the last straw to make her leave. Some people feel relieved when an affair is finally found out, because that just makes it easier to leave and that's what I was afraid of. Always remember though that you deserve better than what you're getting from your partner, and you deserve the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
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