At one time, my wife was really big on going to church each week and having a close relationship with God. Lately she's been worrying a lot about our daughters, and also about me since I had a sibling pass away recently. So two weekends ago she decided to start going back to church. When she went back the first time, she said it helped a lot and she didn't experience the same anxiety anymore.
I was raised going to church also, but I always questioned things about modern day Christianity even as a youngster. I remember writing a youth pastor in my church about interracial relationships, and if God thinks they are okay. His answer was that even though the Bible doesn't specifically say anything about interracial relationships, we shouldn't do things that would negatively draw attention to ourselves as a Christian. Even as a youngster I had a big problem with this answer because it just didn't seem right. I was also very curious about sex and nudity as a youngster, and at times I would feel guilty about that.
When my wife and I were swingers, sometimes I would feel like I wasn't allowed to pray for things because we were being sinful. Of course we had other people give their feedback and say that no man should ever want to see his woman with another man, or would say we were committing adultery. Funny thing is, some of those same people were having premarital sex and/or living together, yet they didn't see anything wrong with what THEY were doing. I guess that's always been one of my issues about organized religion, is that people seem to pick and choose what parts of the Bible suit them at the time. Then of course we have Lutherans, Pentecostals, Methodists, Seventh Day Adventists, Catholics, Greek Orthodox, etc....all these different sects because people have taken one book and put their own interpretation to it. Then what about people who were on the earth before Christ? Are all those people who believed in God before Christ was on earth going to hell because they weren't "Christians"? Those guys in the Old Testament had multiple wives. Also, why should we feel wrong for questioning some of the things in the Bible, God gave us a brain right? Anyway....I digress.
So I asked my wife if she felt like we were wrong in the eyes of God for swinging, and she said yes. I posted the question last week on a few Google communities asking how to people reconcile swinging with their religion. One person had quite the interesting response. He pointed out how people's religious interpretation of the Bible seem to change over time, and I tend to agree with that. People used to believe that divorce was a sin, now the divorce rate is over 50% in the US. People also used to shun those having premarital sex, now people could care less. Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden and only covered up because they were ashamed, so why is nudity such a big deal? My best friend growing up was a Muslim. His family always made me feel welcomed at their house, and they were genuinely good people. Am I supposed to believe they are condemned to hell just because they read a different book (Quran) than I did growing up?
I guess I'm a little conflicted. On the one hand, I don't really see why anything is wrong with nudity or sex between consenting adults as long you're not cheating on your spouse or partner. On the other hand, I do want a closer relationship with God but worry that my views on things may not make this possible. I do fully support my wife in wanting to go back to church, just as long as she doesn't become a holy rolling, hell fire and brimstone bible-thumper.
For those of you in polyamorous or swinging relationships, what is your take on the role of religion with regards to modern day sexuality? For those of you who are religious, how do you reconcile your views with your religion? Do you think 100 years from now, people won't think swinging or polyamory is that out of the norm? Those who are not religious can also feel free to chime in as well.
Hey Maurice, I haven't chimed in for a while so here I am back again.
ReplyDeleteI am not religious. I was raised to be atheist, which I think is a kind of religion, in the sense that atheists believe they know the unknowable as much as religious people do. Imran Yousuf just posted a piece by Rumi that includes the line
Mysteries are not to be solved: the eye goes blind
when it wants to see why.
And that sums up my views on religion and atheism better than anything else I could say.
So religion and swinging? As human beings, we are deeply motivated to find love. But our rational selves go blind in trying to solve the mystery of what love is and so we equate it with sex. Love is sacred and sex is not, but we confound the two so that we come to believe sex is sacred. And then we throw into the mix our Hollywood-fuelled belief that a person can only love one other person at a time. And then it becomes supremely hurtful to see that your important other is having sex with someone else because that must mean he/she does not love you any more. Religion in its pure form cannot possibly care what two (or more!) consenting adults do with their bodies. But people quickly go blind rationalizing religion, so they add on all sorts of rules that don't make sense. One of these that reaches the point of hysteria in the good 'ol USA is the Christian rule against homosexuality. Apparently Jesus may or may not have had something to say on the subject. Swinging is like that too: we break the Christian rules about sex outside of marriage. Even worse, we have no remorse about it. It would be interesting to me to find out what pure atheists think about swinging.
I think that historically there was a reasonable basis for bans on sex outside marriage because we didn't understand birth control. Sex used to lead inevitably to babies and we all get that children require parents who are able to properly care for them.
Now you, Maurice, are an interesting case. You do love the swinging lifestyle and you are comfortable with your wife doing it, provided that everyone follows a certain set of rules. In fact it's interesting that so much literature on swinging specifies that every couple has to carve a set of rules onto virtual stone tablets and keep them sacred somewhere because that is what makes swinging safe for them. Applying religious principles to swinging, anyone? She broke your rules (and when I say "your" I do mean the rules that you had both agreed on) and Holy Hell resulted. You felt it and you have been writing some excellent blog posts about it. It is my opinion, as an unreligious person, that your relationship to God is one you feel inside yourself. You have broken with the rules of the Christian church and if you lie about it and pretend to belong there then you are being as unfaithful to the rules of Christians as your wife was unfaithful to the rules of your swinging relationship. Never mind that "everyone cheats" on at least some rules of Christianity. If you want to be part of that social contract, then you have to at least believe that swinging (and homosexuality, and masturbation, and being rich ...???, etc, etc) is wrong. But who says you have to be Christian to be close to God? I know who does ... Christians!
Excellent comment Tiffany. You can see why I'm so confused about everything. I know my wife is confused about it too, even though she won't admit it.
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