Heathens and Wildlings

So a few weekends ago one of our swinger friends wanted to celebrate her birthday at a hotel bar.   She invited a lot of people to come, but it ended up being just us and one other swinger couple.  There was the couple that we used to be friends with that got invited too, but they told her at the last minute they wouldn't be able to go.  I'm betting they backed out because they knew we would be there, which is really childish if you think about it.    The night was supposed to be about our friend's birthday so they should have come anyway.   This is the same swinger friend of ours who's husband left her after 20 years of marriage, so they should have come out to support her.

So we celebrated at a hotel bar that's a well-known swinger hangout.  We didn't know the other couple that attended, but one thing about swingers is that they are usually friendly and will talk to anyone, plus they always have interesting stories to tell.    It was fun listening to them talk about the first time they met our friend, and the husband's fascination with titties.

Afterwards my wife told me that she really thought hard about having a threesome with our friend since it was her birthday, but she just couldn't do it.    She said while we were both swinging, she noticed that as time went on she started losing her jealousy over me and that seemed to coincide with her starting to loose interest in me.   She said she feels like the healthy type of jealousy is back for her, and she would just feel a little too jealous watching me have sex with another woman.   Of course, she always tells me this stuff AFTER the fact when the opportunity is gone.   Our friend is extremely bisexual (borderline lesbian) and she has always wanted to hook up with the wife and I, so I'm sure if she had known my wife was considering it, she would've put the full course press on my wife.

Here's what I honestly think about the situation.  I've told my wife plenty of times recently that I feel like giving me a threesome would make up a little bit for everything that happened while we were swinging, but she tells me I won't be getting another one.   It's not so much that I desire another woman, but I think it's the fact the she pretty much did what she wanted while we were swinging, and didn't really make much of an effort to get a threesome for me.  I know.  My rationale is crazy, I'll admit.   Here's what I really think is going on and why she didn't want to go through with the threesome.

 I think if it's a sexual situation where I might get more enjoyment out of something than she will, then my wife doesn't really want to participate.   But lets say for example if our bisexual friend was dating somebody my wife found attractive, I'd almost be willing to bet a month's salary that my wife probably would've wanted to have sex with them, because she would've found more benefit from it than a threesome.   When I was giving my wife threesomes with guys, yes I was hoping it would make her want to repay the favor and find some women for us, but it was also great to see her happy and super satisfied.  

My wife unfortunately just isn't wired the same way, and I think this is one area of her life where she is a bit selfish.   Not necessarily saying this is a bad thing because my wife isn't normally a selfish person at all.   I think we all have certain things we are selfish about, and it looks like I've found what my wife is selfish about, due to everything that happened while we were swinging.

So even though our "official" stance is that if something "just happens" with a woman or a couple, that would be okay, more than likely nothing will "just happen" with a woman, only couples.   I don't really think I would be okay with that happening though, because at the end of the day I don't really feel comfortable with her getting to have sex with another man when my desires aren't being taken into consideration.   It's probably best we just drop the whole possibility of swinging ever again, although I'd love to take another trip to Hedonism this summer.   Decisions, Decisions......

Negativity Is Just Your Ego Protecting Itself

It's so funny that I have this blog that's centered around getting rid of all your Nice Guy tendencies.   Because of this, I've gotten more into the metaphysical as you will, with reading more things centered around the Law of Attraction, and other positing thinking methods.

I recently started reading a book called A Bug Free Mind, and in it the author states that each hour of your day, you should take at least 15 continuous seconds and focus on a happy or positive thought.    The key behind this thinking is that at some age when we are kids, we start to have more and more negative thoughts.  More and more self-doubt starts to creep in until we really are no longer in control of our minds anymore.   Think back if you can to when you were a really young kid.    When you told people you wanted to be an astronaut, a policeman, an actress, or a fireman....was there any doubt in your mind at all?    You honestly believed at that age that you could be whatever you wanted to be.  It isn't until we get older and people (parents, teachers, older siblings, etc) start putting doubts in our head that we start to become negative thinkers.  Taking those 15 second breaks is the first step to regaining control over your thought process.

The author of that book also talks about the only way we can really have the life we want is to start getting rid of those negative thoughts.     It's quite the coincidence that today during lunch, this guy who normally is pretty shy sat down at our table.    Now this guy used to be pretty anti-social and would keep to himself, but he was a regular Chatty Kathy today.    See about a year ago when he was here, he developed a brain tumor which required surgery and rehab, and he was away from work for about 8 months.  

 In talking with him, he said that after the surgery on his brain he literally lost about 4 years of memory.  He's currently only 26 years old, and he remembers when he was 25 but then there is a gap and he doesn't remember much of anything from ages 21-25.    He said what's really strange is his fiance ( they met in their 20's) said that he's way more outgoing now than he used to be.   He said to him that just sounds crazy because he loves hosting parties and loves being around people.   Myself and a few other co-workers also confirmed that he used to be anti-social.

So at some point, this person who was very social allowed certain events that happened in his life to turn him into your average, self-doubting, anti-social Nice Guy.    It got me thinking, because in high school I was voted best personality and I was nowhere near as afraid of failure as I am now.   What events happened in my life to turn me into the person I am today?     If someone told you back when you were in high school that your life would be like this, would you have believed them?    I sure as hell wouldn't have.     Some of you may have been voted "Smartest" or "Most Likely to Succeed" back in high school.    So what happened in your life to steer you off track?   What has happened to make you doubt yourself?

No matter how old you are, it's never too late to get back on track and live the life you were meant to live.

263.2 - The Tipping Point

263.2 fucking pounds.

At the age of 37, I am literally the heaviest I've ever weighed in my entire life.  

I am 5 foot 9, and I weigh 263.2 pounds.    My only saving grace at this point is that I do have a tiny bit of muscle mass so I don't look like a complete lard ass, but this is downright pathetic.   I have to be brutally honest here.   Looking at myself in the mirror lately, it's honestly no wonder my wife starting being more interested in other men while we were swinging, and it's no wonder we had such a hard time finding single women to play with us.   I know all of that sounds incredibly harsh, but sometimes the truth is like shining a bright light at someone who's been in complete darkness for months.  Yes it hurts, but it's necessary.

I've always been on the chubby side.   Even when I left the army and was in the best shape of my life I weighed about 210 lbs.    Even when I'm at 235 I can still at least run 3 miles on the treadmill, but at over 260 lbs today, there is just no damn excuse.   One of my first blogs on here was me talking about how working out was the single, most important thing a recovering Nice Guy can do, and I obviously haven't been taking my own advice.   Know what else really sucks about gaining weight as a guy?   I swear that my dick has shrunk at least 1/2 an inch.   I've heard stories about how if a guy loses more than 20 lbs his dick can appear bigger, and I never believed it until now....LOL.   I told you I was gonna keep it real with my blog.  Seems like all this extra fat is making my dick look smaller.  I guess that's why you don't see too many fat guys doing porno.

Lately I've been studying the "Law of Attraction" and have been trying to incorporate some of the principles into my own life.  It hasn't been easy, as most recovering Nice Guys like myself are used to self-doubt all the time.   The old saying of  "We are what we think about" seems to be the main point here.   It does seem to work in some regard though, as the most successful people are usually the ones who are positive thinkers.

One of the main tenets of the Law of Attraction is to act like you've already achieved what you desire.   So that means you need to imagine how it would feel to truly reach your goal.   What would your emotions be like?  How would you dress?   What kind of house would you have?    Most people have trouble with this because we are so used to thinking about the things we want not happening.  A key example of this for me would be how badly I wanted a threesome while we were swinging, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking we were never going to get it.   It's like walking into a dealership to buy a car, but then thinking that you aren't going to get one.

I had a major breakthrough last night though.   I was lying in bed half dozing off and I started imagining what my life would be like if I was 60 lbs lighter.    I pictured myself walking around in better-looking clothes, and walking around smiling because I'd be much more upbeat and full of energy.  I didn't just picture myself doing this, this time I actually felt like it was happening to me in real life.  I also envisioned myself having much more confidence, and having a higher paying job because of that confidence.   I felt what it was like to have a flat stomach and a buff chest.   I actually felt how it would feel to have women checking me out as I walk by.

I kinda snapped out of my daydream, but I still had all of the good feelings that I associated with losing 60 lbs.  It was really kind of strange, but I know in my mind now that getting in shapes is no longer something that I HOPE to do.   It's something that I AM going to do, and I WILL lose this weight.  Even in my head right now I'm picturing all of our swinger female friends asking my wife if they can have one last turn with me...LOL.   This should be fun........

  

Non-Wifey Material

So a male friend of my wife's was talking about his latest "date".   Apparently he and a woman he met online agreed to meet for dinner.     At the end of the dinner the waiter asked if it would be all on one check, or on separate checks.   The guy said separate checks.

So the woman proceeded to go off on him.     She said that a real man wouldn't ask a woman to pay for her own meal, and that HER money was for herself and her kids.   She also went on and on about how her ex-husband would always pay for everything.    So the guy told my wife that he almost felt kinda bad, and is thinking about asking her out again and wanted my wife's opinion.    Of course he also said she's very good-looking.  To make matters more interesting, about a week later there was going to be some concert in town, and the woman called him and said he should buy two tickets so they could go.   He told her no, and of course he really hasn't heard from her since.

Is this guy delusional?   I'm not one to casually throw around the "B" word, but ummm.....bitch please.   I would've told her ass that she better get back with her ex if she wants a man to pay for everything while she spends her money on whatever she wants.   Why in the hell would he want to ask her out again?    She's already told him in not so many words that she is NOT wife material, and she certainly wouldn't be willing to help out with any bills if they were to enter into a long-term relationship.    No REAL woman would berate a guy for not picking up the entire tab if it's just a first meeting.    See this is why you need to ignore a woman's beauty, because it makes you start to 2nd guess your own logic.    No woman's vagina is worth that much hassle.

You should always ask yourself...if this woman was just average-looking, would I put up with her behavior? If your answer is no, then I don't care if she looks like Beyonce and screws like a porn star, get rid of her.



  

State of the Union

I've posted a lot here about some of the troubles we encountered while swinging.

I know I may have painted my wife out to be a bad person with some of the things she did while we were swinging.

We are working through things though, and it's been a long road back to the recovery of our marriage.    I have to give my wife credit for putting up with my moodiness, and my seemingly spontaneous moments of anger or sadness.    She has listened to me vent all of my frustrations over what happened and she's generally been supportive.  

One of the things we promised each other is that we would tell each other everything.   Like she has told me her fears of thinking I am going to cheat on her out of revenge, and I've told her there have been times where I felt that was EXACTLY what I needed to do.  Honestly, we should've had this type of communication earlier in our marriage.

So our "official" stance on swinging now is that if we're around a female or a couple we trusted and something happened that wasn't planned, then that might be okay.   It's just not something that we are actively going to seek out anymore, and I can really only think of one or two couples that something like that would happen around.  And NO single guys.

Oh and remember that swinger couple that we lost as friends because I told the husband that his wife had some ulterior motives?  So I ended up sending the guy a text apologizing for causing stress to his relationship.  Notice I didn't apologize for what I said.   He said he appreciates the apology, but they don't want any drama and we just need to lose their numbers.   So fuck it....the apology was really more for me than it was for them.  I certainly am NOT going to apologize to the female though.  She was the one person cheering my wife on and applauding while she was cheating, so I could care less about her.   Sometimes people just aren't ready to hear the truth, so he'll have to learn the hard way like I did.  

My First and Only Threesome

Finally.   Finally at the age of 36 I was about to get my first threesome.   I'd been trying for over 10 years to get a threesome with two women.   I was close to it a few times.  One time I had both women lined up and I'd gotten a hotel room in their city.   One of the ladies was gung ho about it, because she had always fantasized about being with a woman.   I called the other as I was driving down there and she said "You just seem way to happy about fucking another woman and I just don't want to do it anymore."   What the fuck?   Was I supposed to act like I was sad about getting a threesome?  So strike one for me.

Then there was a time I found a woman who was willing to give me one, but she said she wanted to be with me by herself for a few times at first.  (By the way fellas, NEVER fall for this trick...because that woman has ZERO intention of ever giving you a threesome)  So we had sex a few times, but she never gave me a threesome.  Strike two.

There was one night where I just KNEW it was going to happen.  The women already knew each other, and they had given other guys threesomes, and they both agreed to be at my apartment at a certain time one night.  Well one of them showed up, and the other stood us up.  DAMMIT.  Strike three.

So when my wife and I became swingers and threw our first party, I required all of the single guys to bring a female as a date.  Previously my wife and I hadn't had much luck in finding a single woman to play with, so I figured this would be a good way to meet some women.  I just couldn't figure out why it was so hard to arrange a threesome when all the other guys seemed to be getting them.  (Really in hindsight, my wife wasn't really trying that hard to find a woman.)   This guy that came to our party was pretty much an asshole, but I ended up getting his date's phone number.  I had already given my wife two threesomes with guys, and I felt like it was my turn.  I took matters into my own hands and I called the woman, and set up a date for her to come over.

That night I was super nervous and excited.   I kept thinking she might stand us up, but thankfully she showed up.  My wife was already wearing some sexy lingerie, so our guest got showered and put on some lingerie as well.   We talked for a bit and started having some drinks.   Our guest and my wife were talking about everyday stuff like work and I kept thinking "When are we all going to get naked?"  After what seemed like an hour of talking, I finally I put on a porno and we sat down on the couch to watch it.  About 15 mins later we were headed upstairs.   What better way to end the night than with one woman sitting on my face and the other riding me?   Or both of them giving me head at the same time?   That night was fantastic and I went to sleep with a great smile on my face.

That next morning we had some more fun as I ended up having anal sex with our guest while my wife was in the bathroom taking a bath.  I thought that night would be the beginning of many more threesomes for me, but sadly that was my one and only threesome.   Trust me I appreciate the fact that I finally got one, but when you experience something new and exciting, is one time really enough?

A threesome with two women should be on EVERY guys bucket list and you need to do whatever you've gotta do to make that happen.   It just takes a lot of patience and planning, but it will happen if you keep at it.  Hell it took me over 10 years to get one.  The difficult part is that if you as the male try to find the two women, you've got a long road to go.   Women are so damned picky, and it's a big hassle trying to find two different women who are going to be attracted to each other, with no personality clash.  It's much easier if the woman you are with finds the other woman for you.   Even better is if she has a freaky female friend that she trusts that's willing to help make it happen.   Even this can backfire too as females can be quite flaky at times.  We have a female friend that swore up and down she would do a threesome with us, but would always find some excuse not to do it, or would chicken out.   That's why I'm glad I ended up taking matters into my own hands because otherwise it wouldn't have happened.

Good luck fellas, and happy hunting!

  



   

Aftermath of Swinging: Part II

We went out with one of my wife's co-workers and her husband this weekend.   Now based upon some of the things she has told my wife, I figured they were probably swingers.   Like they bought a hot tub a few months ago, and they said that for "some reason" recently everyone's just been getting naked while they're in the hot tub, but nothing sexual goes on.   Yeah...for "some reason"...LOL.    Anybody that's been swinging before can easily figure out why people are getting naked, and of COURSE some sexual stuff is going on.

So after the wife and her were both drunk, she let the cat out of the bag that they've been dabbling around with swinging some, but its mostly been with single females.   She said they've done everything EXCEPT actual intercourse.   She's at the point now where she feels like he's had enough fun with the females, and its time for her to have a little bit of fun with a guy.   My wife confessed that we used to be swingers, but it just didn't work for us.   They were both right to be a little cautious about telling a co-worker about their personal lives, because we all know how gossip in the office place spreads like wildfire.  My wife did not tell her co-worker why we stopped swinging, because that's a little too personal.

So of course I've mentioned how in previous blogs how swinging really messed up our marriage.   So of course all that conversation got me thinking about it again, and I started getting a little moody.   Why did it have to be MY WIFE out of all people that messed up...why couldn't it be somebody else's wife?   How come all of the other wives go out of their way to make sure their man is satisfied FIRST and mine wouldn't?  It just reinforces my idea that the only way swinging works for couples is to either ONLY play with other couples, or the woman needs to find single females for her husband first before any single males are introduced into the picture.

So the co-worker asked my wife if we still "play" here and there.   We did have a little cookout recently, where I saw my wife give a guy a kiss.  My attitude now is that if I see my wife doing something, I'm going to do something too, because I refuse to miss out on anymore fun.  So later that evening I started fingering that guy's wife under her skirt.    My wife told her co-worker no, that she loves me too much to let something come between us in our marriage again.   She said it would be one thing though if we were around a couple that we trusted, and it "just happened".   Then I started thinking....Oh hell no.   My thing is, if we were to ever sexually play with other people again, I feel like I am at LEAST owed a threesome with another woman to make up for all the cheating she did while we were swinging.  I told her my thought process behind it all, and she said "Oh well I'm just fine with not doing anything."

So basically us playing with a couple down the road would okay, but I am never getting another threesome.   Why should she get to have more fun again, even if its with another couple when she had plenty of fun without me around?    I know it's a stupid, and maybe even selfish way to think....but I can't help it.   What do you guys think...do you think I'm wrong for thinking that way?

I am not budging on this either.   Sorry, but penance must be paid before there is any possibility of future fun.  Why should the single females be eliminated from our fun, they didn't cause any problems, it was the single DUDES that were the problem.  When we started swinging, she became a selfish person, and I do think it's still a little selfish to not want to make things up to me.   

Even still, sometimes I do miss the rush of excitement that swinging introduces to your relationship, and I do miss some of the people we've met.   Kinda sad that once we stopped swinging, most of the people don't really talk to us anymore.  I sure as hell don't miss all the frustration, back-stabbing single guys, lies, and blows to my self-esteem that came along with swinging.   It's been months now since everything came out, and I'm still having a hard time dealing with it.   I always prided myself on being a very strong person mentally, but this whole thing has really fucked up my self-esteem and my way of thinking.   I've had to dive head first into things like the Law of Attraction, Cognitive Based Therapy, and other methods of dealing with my negative thought processes lately.   In a twisted kind of way I'm sort of glad it happened because it was the final deathblow for Mr Nice Guy.

And by the way, there is no such thing as something "just happened" when it comes to swinging or sex.   A deer running out in front of your car is something that "just happens".     Taking your clothes off does not "just happen."    Giving somebody a blowjob doesn't "just happen, and a dick going into a vagina sure as hell doesn't "just happen".   That all happens because both people WANT it to happen.  Saying something "just happens" is basically not accepting responsibility for what you WANTED to happen. 

I used to have the urge to cheat out of revenge for what happened, but ultimately cheating never solves anything.   If you cheat out of revenge, all that really does is take some of the heat off your partner for their cheating, and then you really can't be angry with them for doing it because you did the same thing.     Also cheating in itself is a recipe for drama, and you could potentially put your partner at risk.  You never know what type of person you're dealing with emotionally when you cheat.

Let's just say one of the guys my wife cheated on me with REALLY wanted a relationship with my wife and got pissed off because she wanted to work things out with me.   Who do you think they're going to take their anger out on?  Me, that's who.   Out of four guys, three of them have our address so it would be quite easy to catch me walking to my car going to work one day or some other crazy shit like that.   It all sounds ridiculous but you have NO idea what a scorned lover is capable of.   The news is full of stories of scorned lovers (both men and women) who go ape shit and turn violent.  

So here we are, still dealing with the aftermath of everything that happened and I'm left dealing with the scrambled thoughts that go on in my head.   Truth be told, maybe it's time for me to a little bit more selfish about the things I want out of life.   If I'm being 100% honest with myself, if I had been a little more selfish when it came to some of the single guys, a lot of our trouble could've been avoided.   I had a gut feeling about some of these guys that told me they were bad news, but I wanted to be nice and make sure my wife had some single guys to play with.  Big mistake.   Your instincts are there for a reason, I've just gotta learn to trust mine better.