Party time

So you've been dabbling in the swingers world for a while and you feel like you'd like to host your own party.   Here are some tips to get you started.

1.  Don't be afraid to ask folks to contribute.

Don't feel awkward or weird about asking people to contribute in some way to the party.    Look at it this way.   We don't live too far from a well-known swingers club.    The entry fee for couples is anywhere from $40 - $60 to get into this club, and that doesn't even include purchasing a membership if you aren't a member.     Then throw in the cost of drinks.   Let's say a 3 month membership costs you about $40.   So it's not out of the realm to say a couple could easily spend over $100 going to a swingers club.  

When we used to have parties, we would ask people to bring a bottle of their favorite alcohol to share to add to our existing alcohol, and we would cook up a bunch of finger food and appetizers.   Your guests will spend a lot less money bringing a bottle of alcohol than they would at a swingers club.   Also, it's been our experience that you're more likely to laid going to a house party than you will at a club.   We would have anywhere from 12-18 people at our house, and we find that a smaller setting provides a lot more opportunity to get to talk, laugh, and connect with people.   We know of another couple that will throw parties at a hotel suite and will usually ask couples to pay a $10 entry fee.  

2.   Condoms, Clean Sheets, and Towels

Don't forget to put a bowl of condoms in each room, you want to encourage people to have safe sex, and you don't want your guests stumbling around trying to find a condom during the heat of the moment.     You may also want to provide a change of bedsheets in each room, as well as a towel.   Don't worry about buying expensive sheets, the cheap sheets will work just fine.  Also you may want to invest in some air mattresses as well to give your guests more options for fun.

3.  Meet people before inviting them.

I strongly suggest meeting people before inviting them, especially if you are going to have the party at your house.  Some people will post the details of their party on a swingers site, and that's fine if that works for you, but we always liked to control who was going to show up.   The one hotel party we went to, some of the guys just seemed to be "weirdos" and we didn't really like the vibe.   We always liked having more control over the people we let come to our house, and we felt like it makes for a better party.  Also as the man of the house, you may want to walk around and check out all the action that's going.   If you see a female looking around like she needs help if some guy has cornered her, you will want to step in and help out.  You always want to make sure your single female guests feel safe if they come alone.

4.   Make most of the males bring a female date

When we first started swinging, we were having a hard time meeting females so one of the things I did was find some single males to invite to our party, but I required them to bring a female.    This serves a few purposes.   For one, it keeps your party from being a sausage fest. (Trust me, at least two of the females who accept your invite will flake out and not show up.)   Also, we find that males who can bring a "date" are usually a little better behaved.   Third, this is a great way to meet some more single females.   My one and only threesome came about this way, because I got the phone number from one of the females who was brought along as a date, and we set up a threesome just a few weeks later.

5.   Invite the freakiest female you know.

The first time you throw a party and get a group of people together, everyone will be a little nervous and anxious.   It's like everyone is standing around...making conversation....but everyone's scared to make that first move, or be the first one to get naked.    Enter your freaky friend.    See, the freaky female friend serves multiple purposes.   By freaky I mean a female who loves to fuck and won't hesitate to get naked.  At our first party, we were 2 hours in and everyone was still talking...no one had taken the plunge yet.   Finally after half an hour, one of our female friends went and changed clothes.    She came out wearing just a robe, pulled out a dildo, got on our couch and started pleasing herself with the dildo.   After about 5 mins of watching a guy walked over to her and they started having fun.   Then everybody loosened up and people starting rubbing and feeling on each other.     Having a freaky female friend helps get the party started, and because she loves to fuck she will make sure all the guys (and females in this case since our friend is bisexual) at your party have a great time.  Remember, as a male the LAST thing you want is to be competing for pussy at your own party.

6.  Account for the flakes

Always have a contingency plan for the people who are going to flake.   The people most likely to flake on your party will be the females.    You should expect at LEAST two of the females you invite to stand you up.  See the keywords for a flake are "maybe" or "I'll have to see".      Anyone who says this, you might as well plan on them not showing up.    We would always invite about 20 people, knowing only 15 or so would actually show up.


7.   Expect the unexpected and don't get too frustrated

If you are throwing your party with your wife or girlfriend, you two need to discuss any rules you two have prior to the party.   Always know though, sometimes things will not go as planned.  The first party we hosted was close to my birthday, so the plan was for my wife to round up at least two other women for me and then go upstairs to have a foursome for me.

Like I said...that was the PLAN lol.    What ended up happening is one of the guys took my half-drunk wife by the hand upstairs to our bedroom and I didn't see much of her until the party was pretty much over, except for me checking on her from time to time to make sure she was okay.  Every time she finished with one guy, another guy would be coming into our bedroom so she was "hosting" in her own special way.

Finally near the end of the night I got frustrated and went to find some women of my own.   I let them know what was supposed to happen for my birthday and I finally got two women to go upstairs with me.  (In hindsight it was kinda sad actually, me standing there basically begging for women to give me a threesome...LOL.   Remember what I said about how you shouldn't be competing for pussy at your own party...).    A key point here to keep in mind is that with swinging (and life in general I think) you are responsible for your own happiness.   Don't sit back and wait for someone else to make something happen for you, just go do it yourself.  Depending upon other people for our own happiness is a recipe for disappointment.

So the two women were on me for all of about 3 mins, and then 2 guys came in and started playing with the women.  The one who was giving me head started getting fucked from behind, so she lost her concentration so to speak and forgot about me.  Then two more people came into the room, so there was a total of about six people all on the bed and I was kind of at the bottom of the pile, mad as hell that my threesome was ruined.  (Note to other men.   If you're at a party and you're about to get a threesome, lock the door so other guys don't ruin it.)    There was one point earlier in the party where I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and she told me to go get a condom.    I ran upstairs to get a condom, sat back down on the couch and put the condom on.  Well at that particular moment she walked outside with her husband to smoke a cigarette.   So there I sat on the couch with a hard dick wearing a condom while they walked outside to smoke.   Talk about a frustrating night....lol.     I went to another party where one of the single guys was having sex with someone's wife and wasn't wearing a condom, and all shit broke loose after that and the guy got kicked out.   Just know that sometimes things happen that are out of your control.

Something will probably happen during the course of that night that might frustrate you.   You or your girlfriend may break one of your established rules, so you'll have to deal with that when the party is over.  Someone may get drunk and throw up, or you may be left sitting on the couch wearing a condom with a hard dick LOL.   Just always remember to discuss things with your partner about things that come up with open and honest communication.   It might also be a good idea to take a break from swinging for a few weeks after hosting a party to reconnect with your partner.    



 

Cheating From a Male Perspective: The Aftermath

So you've confronted her about the cheating, so now what?   If you don't plan to stay with her, you should have the closure you need to kick her to the curb.    But what if you want to try and work things out?   Now here comes the hard part.

One of the worst things about cheating is that the "other" guy just gets to go on living their life while you are left dealing with the fallout from everything.   You're emotionally devastated and left to pick up the pieces of a shattered relationship. There is a glimmer of hope though, because oftentimes once an affair is discovered, even if the cheater was planning on leaving you, people often get snapped back to reality and have a "What the hell was I thinking" moment.

The very first thing that you should demand is that they cut off ties with the person (people) they were unfaithful with.  This means they need to delete and block the person's email address, as well as phone number.   If necessary, I suggest having your woman call the guy one last time with you in the same room and letting him know it's over.  If you know who the person is, you may want to send them a text or phone call as well to let them know that you know what happened.   In my case, I knew who each of the guys was (they were people we met while swinging) so I told them they were not to have any more contact with my wife. Actually what I think I said is that I would crack their skull open if they spoke to my wife again, but that's besides the point.  If the offending person happens to also be in a relationship, you may want to let that person's better half know as well.

One thing you will want to avoid is an in-person confrontation with the guy.  You may think you'll be calm and collected if you were to see the person, but what will likely happen is your blood will start boiling and you may go into a fit of rage, and it will end up in a fist fight.   Or worse, what if you end up in jail over starting a fight....guess who'll be having sex with your woman while you're locked up?   Worse yet, we've all heard of stories where a fight turns into someone getting stabbed or shot.    One of the guys I confronted DARED me to come meet him.   I knew exactly where he was going to be, and it took everything within me not to go and want to hit him over the head with something.   Just don't do it.

Also, as a man your very next instinct will be to try and line up some side booty for yourself.   You're thinking that she got to have all of her fun, why shouldn't you?    I know how you're feeling because that was my very first thought when I found out about everything.    As bad as you want to, DO NOT CHEAT out of revenge.    The thing is you may get your revenge and hurt her back, but that's only short-lived.  In the long-term you damage your relationship and make reconciling that much harder.   Trust me, you're going to struggle with feeling like this for a long time, but I beg you not to cheat.

I would also suggest that you two examine your roles in what happened.   Now I'm not saying that her cheating is your fault, because it absolutely isn't.    But you may have played a slight role in what happened.  Perhaps there were subtle clues along the way, but because you're a Nice Guy you didn't wanna rock the boat or risk upsetting her. (Raising my hand on this one)  Perhaps a slighter offense occurred earlier (maybe you found out she went to lunch with a guy) and you didn't come down on her hard enough when it happened because you're too nice of a guy.    I am a firm believer in that we teach people how we want to be treated, and sometimes when people push boundaries and we don't respectfully push back, we let that person know it's okay to push the boundary even further.  A few (or many) sessions with a therapist can also open the door for honest dialogue.

Ultimately, it may take months or even years for you two to repair the relationship.   In some cases you may think you want to work things out, but months later you decide that you just can't forgive what happened.   Triggers are going to occur every now and then for no reason at all.   One guy is a firefighter in a different city, but seeing a firefighter on TV is something that can trigger me to get mad again.  Every couple's journey is different, and what path you take is up to you.  

Cheating: The Confrontation

So in the last blog I talked about what to do when you have a nagging suspicion that something is going on in your relationship.   So one of two things has happened.    You found out your suspicions were completely wrong, and you feel like a jackass for going through her stuff.   Or....you have gathered your evidence, found out that your suspicions were correct and now you have to deal with things.  Here's is the first question you need to ask yourself:

Do you still want to be with her?   Everyone's natural reaction to being cheated on is that they need to dump the person, because that's what society says you should do right?  Most therapists will tell you that immediately seeking to end the marriage or relationship right off the bat is usually the biggest mistake you can make.    Going through an infidelity is tough, but believe it or not your relationship can actually become stronger for having survived this crisis.  Now if you've been putting up with a woman that has basically made your life miserable, or withholds sex (which is a double whammy because she's been giving that sex to someone else) you really need to decide if you do actually want her back.  You may be better off just getting rid of her.

Here's a very important question to ask yourself.  Is she genuinely a dishonest person, or was she dishonest because of the affair?   The answer to this question should help you figure out if you want to continue a relationship with her.

Next comes the confrontation phrase.    Whatever you do, don't confront her on the phone, this includes text messaging.  This makes it way to easy for the person to hang up on you, or just stop responding and give themselves time to think up an excuse.    Choose a time and a place that is free from distractions.   Also, give yourself a little time to cool off.   It's normal to want to come at the person with both guns blazing and let them have it, but don't immediately go on the attack or you might not get the truth.

Typical Reactions to confrontation:

1.  Denial
2.  Admission - whatever they admit to is NEVER all of the truth.
3.  More Lying
4.  Attacking and/or accusing you

Remember, ALL humans lie it's just in our nature.  Don't think so?  You don't lie huh?  If you accidentally spilled some coffee on your boss's desk, and your boss came in an hour later screaming mad and said whoever did it would be fired, would you confess?   Yeah, I thought not.

Pay special attention to Number 2.  What she's going to admit will NOT be the whole truth.  Often she's just trying to confess to whatever you have proof of.   She's not going to confess everything because she's still trying to figure out what all you know.    Sometimes you have pull out the FBI line of questioning to finally get to all of the truth.  Now is not the time to fall for her tears either.   Often she may try to redirect you by bringing up something you did in the past, or even worse try to bring up things YOU did that caused her to cheat.   Don't fall for it....bottom line is she cheated because she wanted to.   PERIOD.

One major mistake I made was not having the confrontation right when I suspected something was going on.  Like I said before, I was just too scared of the confrontation.   She had already made it be known that she was thinking of leaving, and I was so desperate to have her stay (which breaks the one of the major Commandments of Poon) that I wanted to avoid all conflict.   For a month I lived like this, scared to make her upset out of fear that it would be the last straw to make her leave.   Some people feel relieved when an affair is finally found out, because that just makes it easier to leave and that's what I was afraid of.   Always remember though that you deserve better than what you're getting from your partner, and you deserve the truth, no matter how much it hurts.




    

So You Suspect She's Cheating

So you've been having this nagging suspicion that something is not right in your relationship.   Also, for some reason, you've been feeling a little jealous about this guy your woman is friends with, but you just can't place your finger on why you feel that way, despite her repeated claims that they're "just friends".    By the way, often times the "I'm telling you, we're just friends" phrase is your first clue that something may be going on.  Even though we were swingers at the time, certain males just started rubbing me the wrong way for no reason....and surprise, those were the ones she cheated on me with or was attempting to cheat with.

According to Dr Shirley Glass in her book "Not Just Friends", sometimes jealousy is not a sign of paranoia, but a healthy reaction to valid suspicions.   When a not normally jealous person suddenly gets suspicious, the jealousy is apt to be based on a real threat.  She also states that in her research, women who have affairs often consciously detach from their marriages before getting involved.

Women may also try to justify the act in their heads before proceeding.  In the Married Man Sex Primer, author Athol Kay refers to this as the "rationalization hamster", also known as the Slippery Slope argument.  According to Mr Kay, the job of the Rationalization Hamster is to make up as much bullshit as possible so that she will convince herself that its okay to cheat.  It goes something like this:

Cheating on my husband would be wrong, but he hasn't really been paying me much attention lately, and he hurt my feelings the other day.  I'm not even sure he is in love with me anymore, plus I just feel so special and loved when I'm with Mr Studly.  How can someone making me feel special be so wrong?   As a matter of fact, I deserve this since I'm always putting everyone else's needs before my own.  It's finally my turn to be happy!

In my case, it probably went something like this:

I haven't seen Mr Studly in a few weeks, and I kind of miss him.  I know my husband would be mad if I saw Mr Studly behind his back.    We're swingers though and I've already fucked him, so why would seeing him for a quick hello be such a big deal?   Matter of fact, my husband is the one who wanted to start swinging in the first place, so there should be no harm in me wanting to see him.   If we're going to swing we should just do it all the way, and I should at least get what I want out of the deal.   I'll just stop by and say hello after work, no big deal. He'll never find out.

Of course, I'm sure that same rationalization hamster started running on the wheel as fast as possible once "I'll just say hello" turned into clothes coming off.

Once you start having valid suspicions you will need to start doing your best Sherlock Holmes impersonation.    Now if that person has cheated just once, and exactly once you may not find any clues because people always start off being really careful.  But if it's ongoing as most are, people start to get lazy and less paranoid about being caught so there will be clues.  Cellphone text messages are usually the best place to start, as well as e-mail.  When checking e-mail, always check the SENT folder, as sometimes people forget to delete these.  You may even need to incorporate your friends in the information gathering.

I remember the day I started to unravel everything.    I sent a text to the male half of the couple we were friends with and told him I suspected that something was going on between a certain guy and my wife.  At this point my wife had already let it be known that she was thinking of leaving me and didn't know what to do.   A few days later, my buddy sent me a text back.   He had gone through texts between my wife and his, so he confirmed by suspicions.  He even told me there was a day that she was going to skip work to go drive and see him.    Another week later we were having drinks, and he told me from looking at more texts, that my wife had cheated on me one evening.  Now of course when I look back, the clues were there I just refused to see them.   To be brutally honest, sometimes I would run across little clues that let me know that certain guys were more than just a "swingers fuck", but I was too chicken shit to confront her right away.

In my next blog, we'll cover what to do (And what not to do, as I made plenty of mistakes) after you gather your intel.

Dealing With a Sexless Relationship

In my previous blog, I mentioned the book Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and why it's such a great book.  Here are a few more snippets on why I think this is such a great book:

I am of the firm belief that in sexless marriages, the spouse who denies sex is cheating the other out of their marriage agreement.  I use the word "cheating" purposely here, and see it as minimally different from an "affair".   The marriage agreement is one of meeting each other's sexual needs.  A spouse who goes outside the relationship for sex denies the cheated on spouse their half of the marriage agreement.  A spouse who denies the other reasonable sexual access cheats the other out of their half of the marriage agreement.  

If you became the customer of cable and they came and hooked up your neighbor's cable, or refused to hook your house up but still demanded payment, how long would you tolerate that?  You would immediately demand the company stop billing you for your neighbor's cable and come hook it up at your place, or you would threaten to no longer be a customer.  Whatever you do though, you shouldn't keep passively paying the cable bill, hoping to get cable one day.

For you guys out there who are in relationships like this, I know you cringed reading that.   But see why I think the book is so good?   He has a great way of explaining things that make sense.  Luckily I've never been in a relationship like that, but for the life of me I can't understand understand why a guy would be okay being in a relationship where they only get a few crumbs of sex per month.  Here's something else to ponder:

 This may come as a surprise to you, but your woman has a sex drive.  As long as there's not some kind of medical issue or childhood abuse issue, it's there.  Women love sex, they are just awfully good at hiding it sometimes.   

Husbands discovering affairs are hurt at the deceit of the affair, but are also often shocked at her sexual response to her lover.  The same husband who angrily complains that "She just lies there and never does anything" can barely comprehend the hidden camera evidence of her squealing and bouncing on top of some guy.  "She said blowjobs were disgusting!".   But there she is, head bobbing up and down and moaning.  It's a cruel stab in the chest to suddenly understand that what she meant was "Giving blowjobs to YOU is disgusting".

Take a long look at your darling bride for a moment.   Unless there is something medically or psychiatrically wrong with her, SHE LIKES SEX.  Think about that for a moment.  She likes sex.   It's in her DNA to like sex.  Your wife is from a long line of sluts.

So the bottom line here guys is that you have NO reason staying stuck in a sexless relationship with someone.   Stop rewarding her bad behavior, and go buy the Married Man Sex Life Primer.

I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You

"I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You."

One of the most emotionally damaging sentences in the English language.     Women may not come straight out and say it in those exact words though.   It may be disguised as "It's not you, it's me" or "I just need some space and time to figure things out".   It can come out when a friend asks your woman if she is still in love with you, and her answer is "Well, I love him".    Either way it all has the same meaning.  Also by the time a woman actually says something like this to you, she's been feeling like this for a while and she has already told her friends and possibly family members.   Usually everybody will know what's going on EXCEPT for you.

From time to time I do like to share books that I've read that have helped me make the transformation from "Nice Guy" to "Not So Naive Guy".    One of the BEST books I can recommend is called the Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.   ALL men should read this book, but in particular married men, or men in long-term relationships.   Let's see what Mr Kay has to say about this subject:

Having your wife tell you "ILYBINILWY" (I love you but I'm not in love with you) is about the largest red flag that your relationship is in trouble.  A woman can have minimal "in love" feelings for the husband and just coast along for years with no apparent cause for concern.  But once a new man enters the picture who flips her dopamine switch on, things can unravel between a wife and her husband very quickly.

So when a wife tells a husband ILYBINILWY that usually means there is another guy she has feelings for.  Not only that, but she is usually trying to actively find a way to exit her primary relationship and enter a new relationship with her lover.  In blunt terms what she means by saying ILYBINILWY is some combination of "I'm leaving you for him", "I'm thinking about having sex with him", "I'm having sex with him but I still want to live with you, is that okay?", and "I think I might be pregnant, I don't know whose baby it is".

ILYBINILWY is also used as female code for some combination of "I have no clue how to make this decision" and "Are you going to fight for me?"  The other reason a wayward wife may say this is because it is a delaying tactic to avoid the husband acting pre-emptively to end the marriage, kick her out, or take other action against her. 

I don't know about you, but I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach when I read that for the first time.  If you've ever had a woman tell you this, you probably feel the same way.   I'll cover a few more nuggets of this book in a blog later today.      

Swingsets and Jungle Gyms

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