The People Have Spoken: Sex Sells

What's interesting about this blog is that I created it out of frustration for things that were going on in my life, and I thought it would be a pretty good outlet to vent, and I might write once a week or so.    Little did I know that I'd have so much to say.  I also thought it might be useful to other guys so they won't go through some of the same things I have.

One thing about being a blog creator is that you get to see how many "hits" you get for each of your blogs.   You also get to see where your readers are located.  For some reason I have quite a few readers from Russia.  Don't know how or why that is, but thanks for reading.

What's funny is the three blogs I've written on swinging generated more traffic to my blog than most of my other blogs put together.  So the people have spoken, and obviously folks like reading about sex (duh), so even though we no longer swing, I'll do my best to write more about this subject.

If anyone has any questions about a blog, or just would like to shoot me an email about a problem you're having, or just want to tell me how bad I suck, feel free to write to me HERE.   If I decide to use your email or question in a blog, of course I will not reveal your name.

Adhere to the Golden Ratio: 2/3

V.  Adhere to the Golden Ratio: 2/3

Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you.  For every three calls or texts, give her two back.  Three declarations of love earn two in return.   Three gifts; two nights out.  Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more.


This rule is especially effective for guys who are trying to date a particular woman or have gotten stuck in the friend zone.   Too often guys keep pursuing a woman who has no real interest in them, and this rule helps to thin the herd.   If you find that you're the one always calling, or you're the one always texting, then the woman you are after probably doesn't have any romantic or sexual interest in you at all.    Some women just like attention from guys and will keep stringing a guy along so she can always have you handy when she wants some extra male attention.    Don't waste your time with these women.

This can even apply for a woman you're in a relationship with.  If you're the one that's always giving and she just keeps taking without giving you much in return, then you need to STOP.    Don't worry about upsetting her, because a relationship is supposed to be give and take for BOTH parties.  If all she's doing is taking, why would you want to be with somebody like that anyway?

No More Mr Nice Guy

One of the things I've rediscovered recently is how much I like to read.   When I run across a great book I like to share it, and this book is a perfect fit for those of you who read my blog.

The book is called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover.   I saw this book and downloaded a sample to see if I would like the book.   Let me share a few passages with you

       Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right.".  They are happiest when they are making others happy.  Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone.  In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous.  Nice Guys are especially concerned with pleasing women and being different from other men.  In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.

Sounds familiar to a lot of you doesn't it?    Lets see another passage.

       This myth is the essence of what I call the Nice Guy Syndrome.  The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good", they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life.  When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results - as it often does - Nice Guys just try harder, doing more of the same.  Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.

When I  read that, it was like he was talking directly to me and wrote this book solely for my benefit.  Here is a little more:

        Nice Guys are givers.   Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others.  These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.

         Nice Guys seek approval from others.  A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others.  Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone's approval or avoid disapproval.  This is especially true in their relationships with women.

         Nice Guys avoid conflict.  Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth.  To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.

         Nice Guys repress their feelings.   Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel.  

         Nice Guy have difficulty making their needs a priority.   These men often feel that it is selfish to put their own needs first.   They believe it is a virtue to put others' needs ahead of their own.

         Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center.   Most Nice Guys are only happy if their partner is happy.
   
I don't think I've ever read a book like this that TRULY understands what most guys go through and comes up with a plan of action to put you on the right course.   I highly encourage any of my male readers (female readers may want to buy this for their husbands or boyfriends as well) to go out and buy this book.   So many of the statements that I read in just the first chapter seem like he wrote the book specifically for me and the frustration I was experiencing, and I promise you'll feel the same way too.    You can order the book here:       No More Mr Nice Guy

Rules to Make Swinging Work

1.   Take breaks

It is imperative that you take some breaks time to time from swinging.    This is the one thing that couples often forget to do.   Breaks are important in my opinion because swinging should not overtake your life, and it should not overtake the connection you have with your partner.  Taking a break allows you to re-establish your connection with each other and give each other undivided attention.  After you've been playing for awhile, taking at least a month long break to focus on just each other.

2.  Your partner is your primary focus

Swinging is fun and exciting, but never lose focus of the fact that your partner should be the one getting the majority of your attention.   Relationships take work and energy.  Don't spend more time and energy trying to find swinging partners than you do on your relationship.   Also, beware of people who appear to be too needy or always want your attention.   Remember you are NOT in this to have a new girlfriend or boyfriend, you already have one of those, and it should be made FIRMLY clear to everyone.   There are lots of cases where single people start getting emotionally attached and start trying to steal your mate away.   I've witnessed it, and I've also experienced it firsthand.

3.  Clear and honest communication

If you follow no other rule, this is the main one to follow.  You MUST be able to communicate with one another about what you are feeling, your likes and dislikes.   If something happens during the course of swinging that you don't like (and it will, trust me) speak up and tell your partner.  If your partner did something that upset you, don't come at them in an accusatory manner, because that will just make them defensive.   One of the biggest mistakes we made while swinging is not having open communication.  There were times where she wanted to stop swinging, but didn't say anything because she thought I would be unhappy.  There were times where I didn't want to share her anymore, but didn't want to ruin all the fun she was having.   It's important that you communicate and respect each other's feelings.

A great way of doing this is after you've been to a party, had people over etc, lay in bed with each other and have an honest discussion about how things went.  It's important to feel like you can be honest and forthcoming without the other getting mad.  Learn to confide in each other and not other people.   Once you start confiding in others about the things you don't like, you're headed for trouble, especially if you start confiding in someone of the opposite sex.


4.   Women need to make sure their guys are happy

The most successful swinging relationships are where the female half of the couple actively participates in finding women for her man to play with.    On the surface, it sounds a little one-sided like the man is getting all of the fun in this arrangement.  Remember though, there are 2 to 3 times more single guys for a woman to play with than there are single females.   When a female is too busy doing her own thing instead of making sure her guy has fun too, this will lead to a lot of frustration and resentment.


5.  Beware of hallpasses

A hallpass is when you let your partner go off and have sex with another person without you around.   When my wife and I would have a hallpass, we would make sure that it was on the same night for both of us, so one person wasn't just sitting around wondering what the other was doing.    In hindsight, these hall passes were a BAD idea.  Having one on one time with someone of the opposite can lead to lots of different things that can be disastrous to your relationship.   Being alone with someone allows for the opportunity to become emotionally close to someone, and that's never a good idea.    It hurt our relationship, and we've also witnessed it destroy other marriages.   Be extra careful allowing your partner to have a hallpass with a single person.   After sex cuddling and things like that should be reserved for your spouse or partner.

Pros and Cons of Swinging: Part II

In my previous blog I covered all of the benefits of swinging.    Now I'll go over some of the negative aspects of swinging that people don't talk about.


1.   If you have problems in your relationship, swinging will highlight those problems and make them worse.

Swinging is absolutely NOT a cure all for your relationship.   If you have major problems in your relationship, you should avoid swinging all together.    If you have a jealous personality, are insecure, don't spend enough time together, are not truly in love or have any other major issue, swinging just makes the problem worse.   I remember one time we invited this couple over for some fun with us and another single guy.  Well this couple obviously was having some problems, and they actually started arguing in front us.  Talk about awkward.  



2.  STD's

Although most swingers are very strict about using condoms, this doesn't mean you're going to be completely immune from catching an STD.  Most of us don't use condoms or dental dams when engaging in oral sex so you can still catch something.    No need to really go into detail with this one, but just be aware some people have caught an STD while swinging.  



3.  Your woman will get way more action than you

This is something that guys need to seriously consider.  There are WAY more available single guys in the swinger world than there are single females.   When I say way more, I mean there are literally 2 to 3 times more guys available.   As a matter of fact, single females in the swinger world are often referred to as "unicorns", and for good reason.   It will take you a day at most to find a single male to give your wife a threesome, but it took almost an entire year for us to find a female to give me a threesome.   We've all run across females that are flaky when trying to date; well they are just as flaky when you're looking on swinging websites.    When you attend a swingers party, your wife will have PLENTY of guys to choose from and hook up with, while you may only have two prospects.   This can lead to a lot of frustration if you don't know this before you get started.  Trust me I know from personal experience.



4.  There are lots of guys that are better-looking than you.

To piggyback on number 3, not only are there more guys, there will plenty of guys who are in better shape than you are, handsome, and they may have bigger dicks.   Sometimes it is not easy watching your woman have sex with a guy that looks like he should be on a porno set,  especially when you don't have many options available to you.   To compound the issue, most of the women you get to have sex with will NOT look better than your wife.



5.   Cheating

You would think that cheating wouldn't occur when people are swinging.   You're thinking that you get the best of both worlds.  You still get to have sex and be with your loving woman, plus get to have sex with other attractive people.  Why mess that up with cheating?   See, that's your Nice Guy logical mind coming into play.   Well all know that the Nice Guy's logical thinking doesn't play out the way we think things should. Surprisingly it seems to be the women who end up cheating.   They end up starting to get emotionally attached to someone they like having sex with, and the rest is history.   Oh....I get it.  Your woman will never cheat on you in a million years.     Here's something you need to understand.  ALL women are capable of cheating, and no relationship is completely immune from cheating.   Let that sink in for a moment.

ALL WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF CHEATING.

Whether she does it or not is a completely different story.   Sometimes all it takes though is the right opportunity and situation for it to happen.   I can speak to this first hand as it happened in my relationship, and I never thought in a million years my wife would cheat on me.   Neither did she for that matter and we almost ended up divorced over it.   I know of this happening to other couples as well.  Also be aware that cheating isn't just physical, it can be mental.   I can admit that I also started to develop an emotional connection with one of the females I had sex with.



6.  You may start to lose your connection with your partner.

This one also piggybacks off of the cheating issue.   We all know how thrilling it is to get attention from the opposite sex.   I found that I was spending an enormous amount of time online searching for new people to have sexual fun with.   I also found that my wife started texting me less and less each day while she sent texts to other guys.    I was so focused on trying to get another threesome, that's all I seemed to focus on.    Where we used to normally talk about different things, most of our conversations now revolved around swinging.   All of our free time seemed to be spent trying to find new sexual partners, attending or hosting sex parties, and sexting other people.  It got so bad at one point, I remember one night we were both sitting on the couch beside each other, both texting other people.  

There's only so much emotional energy people have, and when some of that energy is spent on other people, that leaves less energy and emotion for your relationship.  I know of one couple that is getting divorced after 20 years of marriage because they were having more sex with other people than they were with each other.   It's hard enough for a marriage to survive normal stressors, and adding swinging to it just opens up a new can of worms. When I say that my wife and I almost divorced, I literally mean we were a gnat's ass hair away from it happening.   She had already got her own individual cellphone line, and already had money saved up to get her own place.   That's how close we were to splitting up.  



7.  It's addictive

Swinging is highly addictive and once you start, it may be almost impossible to stop.   My wife and I are living proof of this.   It's exciting meeting a new couple for drinks to see if you click.   After we tried it for the first time, we said we didn't want to do it again.  Then a few months later my wife was mentioning it again.   Every time we said we were going to take a break from it, we found ourselves getting sucked back into it because we missed all the sexual excitement and attention.   I look back now at the countless hours I spent browsing websites for prospects and its honestly a damn shame.  I spent hours a day that could have been devoted to finishing my degree, looking for a new job, working out, or just reading a book.   I would even be on my cellphone at work, constantly checking for new people.    Even now that we don't swing anymore the temptation is still there, but we both realize that it didn't work for us, and it nearly cost us our marriage.  Once Pandora's box is opened, its hard to close it back up.


Now that I've laid out most of the pros and cons, you can decide if swinging is really right for you.  Just weigh the options carefully before you decide to dive in and try it.  

Pros and Cons of Swinging: Part I

So as I've alluded to in other blogs, my wife and I used to be sexual swingers.   For those that don't know what swinging is, it's basically when a couple decides to have sex with other people while still maintaining their relationship.  For this blog and the next, I'm going to focus on the pros and cons of swinging from a male point of view.    There are also different categories of swinging:

Soft Swapping:   This usually involves two couples getting together and only the females playing with each other.   Each male participates only with his own partner.  A lot of couples that are new to swinging usually start out this way, as they aren't quite prepared to watch their mate have sex with another person.

Full Swapping:  This is when two couples get together and each male has sex with the other spouse or partner, and it also may involve the females playing with each other as well.

Cuckold:    Usually this is when a man likes to watch his partner have sex with other men and doesn't really participate.  There may also be some form of humiliation involved for the guy who is watching, such as having to get them drinks, or "clean up" after sex.

There are lots of other categories but for our purposes I just wanted to focus on the main ones.  So in Part I let's focus on the pro's (positive aspects) of swinging.

1.   It is exciting

      This is probably the number one benefit from swinging.   Having sex with other people with your partner's permission can be extremely exciting.   It's really the best of both worlds.   You get all of the love, closeness, and sex from a traditional relationship, but you also get to have sex with other people you are attracted to.   It's also exciting visiting sex clubs or looking online at swinger websites to check out who you want to hook up with.  When you find another person or couple that you are sexually compatible with and attracted to, you feel like you've hit the jackpot.


2.   Threesomes are AWESOME

      Let me repeat.  Threesomes are not just awesome, they are INSANELY awesome.   The only thing that's better than having two women pleasing you at the same time is having THREE women pleasing you.   If you've never had a threesome before, I definitely recommend you put it on your bucket list.   My threesome was almost a year ago and I still smile just thinking about how great it was.  Know how awesome it is to have your woman riding you?   Well imagine another woman sitting on your face making out with your woman while she rides you.  Told you it was awesome.    


3.  All your fantasies fulfilled

Swinging is one of the best ways to get all of your sexual fantasies fulfilled.   Do you fantasize about giving your wife a threesome?   You can make that happen.    Do you fantasize about watching other people have sex?  You can visit a local swingers club and make that happen.   During the course of swinging, you'll probably discover even more fantasies that you never realized you had before, and you can make most of them come true.

4.  You will make some new friends

One of the BEST things about swinging is you start meeting more open-minded people like yourself.   Not to say that your regular friends aren't great, but lets be honest.   When you're around other "normal" couples at a party, most of the conversation centers around work and kids.    When you're around other swinger couples they may still be talking about work, but conversations also focus on sex and you get to hear what exciting sexual episodes they had last week.  They can also refer you to other swingers that you might be compatible with.   Also, having swinger friends makes for an interesting birthday party.  If it's your birthday, it's not uncommon for the women to "fixate" on the birthday boy while all the other males cheer him on.   I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be wished happy birthday with multiple pairs of tits in my face than having Pete from Accounting blab away about how smart his kid is.   Even though we no longer swing, we still remain friends with some of the people we've met.  

5.  It's a great ego boost

It's very flattering to know that somebody else wants to screw your brains out.    It's an even bigger ego boost if they want to keep hooking up with you because you're awesome in bed.    For a Nice Guy, we are always second guessing ourselves when it comes to wondering if someone is attracted to us or not.   In the swinging lifestyle, you instantly know who is attracted to you.  Women are usually a little more aggressive when they are swinging so it's very common for a woman to approach a man and express sexual interest right away.  This is awesome for guys who aren't used to women approaching them.   Sometimes when you settle down you forget just how attractive you are or your partner is.   Swinging opens up a whole new door of appreciation for your partner, and she will also be turned on knowing other women desire you.

6.  You'll learn some new sexual tricks

Everyone has different sexual tricks they've mastered over the years, so it's always a great thing when you discover something new.   One of the things we learned is that my wife can squirt during anal sex.   Neither of us knew this before, so this was an awesome discovery.  I have also learned how to make my wife and other women squirt by using my hands, and it works almost 100% of the time.  Awesome.   Since you two are discovering new things about each other and hooking up with different people, your sex life will never get boring and dull.

So those are some of the pluses so to speak when it comes to swinging.  Now I know I've made swinging out to be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but there are some very real negatives attached to the lifestyle as well, which I'll cover in the next blog.

 

Don't Play By Her Rules

IV.   Don't Play By Her Rules

If you allow the woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire.   The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and submit to, a more powerful man.


This rule should also be pretty self explanatory.    Too often as Nice Guys we think if we just compromise all the time and give women their way, then life will be grand.   You know how the saying goes.   Happy wife, happy life...that's how its supposed to be right?

That's what I thought too.   I thought going to whatever movie she wanted to go see, it was all good.   Even when it came to picking a restaurant for a meal,  I really wouldn't have an opinion and would just go where she wanted to go.  Wanna go to yet ANOTHER kids birthday party this month?   Sure baby why not.

This is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your relationship.    Women love guys with a plan.    If your woman ever asks you where you want to go eat, just pick a place and go.  By that some token, if she wants to do something and you REALLY don't feel like doing it, (We all know how fun kids birthday parties are...*rolling eyes*) then just tell her you don't want to go.   Don't be led around the nose by your woman because ultimately she will resent you not being able to make a concrete decision about things, and deep down inside you will start to resent that you're always doing what SHE wants to do instead of what you want.

To get personal here for a second, back when we were swinging I noticed that my wife always gravitated towards the Alpha guys.   Guys who were very demonstrative about what they wanted and my wife would just go along with it.   One of the guys was just as short and chubby as I was, so it had nothing do with their physical makeup.   Fast forward a year, and my wife was thinking about leaving me.   I discovered that she had cheated on me with some of the guys we were swinging with and guess which guys they were?  Yep, the guys who were "Alpha" is the ones she was hooking up with.   Back when I was begging her to stay (another Commandment of Poon I broke) I asked if that's what kind of guy she wanted.   She said no, that she's dated guys like that before and they are usually assholes.

But see, her mouth was saying one thing, but her vagina was saying another.   Her vagina shouted loud from the rooftops that an Alpha male was EXACTLY who she wanted.  She wanted a guy to be able to take charge and make decisions.    Don't be that guy who just goes along with whatever your woman wants because not only will she be bored by it, you'll eventually get frustrated by it.

(Now I know I do discuss infidelity a lot in my blogs, and later on I will go into more detail about that in later blogs, and also the pros and cons of the swinging lifestyle)